Sasquatch to the Moon

41: What Could I Do?

"Dad, look at me." I try to keep calm. "Look at me and think about it-"

"I'm not listen-"

"If someone came up to you, could you make yourself attracted to them!" I shout over him. "If a man came up to you could you make yourself sexually attracted to them! You can't! Because you're straight! I can't do it with girls because I'm gay."

"Everyone fucking can!" He shouts. "You just have to follow God and choose the right path!"

In fear, I burst out laughing. "Well then you're fucking gay, Dad!"

"I am no such thing!" He's red in the face. "You're choosing a sin and you're proud of it and I forbid you from doing it further or else I will-"

"Will what?" I take another step backward, back hitting the plaster, adrenaline making my body vibrate. "I'm 26. I've been on my own and not legally or financially tied to you for eight years. I'm not afraid of severing the rest of my ties with you. Milo's done it, he'll be there for me if I do. So will Isa. To be fair you've done nothing but make me miserable in my own skin for the past 26 years so honestly it's not the worst decision I could make." My voice is shaking over itself, almost hysterical. 

They seem wildly offended by that. Can't imagine why.

"We raised you." Mom manages. "We've done everything for you."

"Yeah," I shrug. "You raised me and that was the job you took on when you had kids. You signed up for that when you had unprotected sex." I breathe, trying to control the way I'm shaking. "I mean I know for a damn fact I wasn't even supposed to exist but you took on my existence and that made me your job for eighteen years."

"You're so privileged to have that upbringing and you can't even see it."

I breathe out, controlling my voice. "Yeah, and? You can be raised in a perfect situation and still be abused."

"We never abused you! Where is this coming from? Toughen up, no wonder you're a fucking-" my brain hazes over it, slipping into fight, flight, and freeze, another rush of adrenaline going through me. "You're so goddamn soft!"

I stand, hands sweating, in solid disbelief that he just uttered that word. "You- you gave me the silent treatment for-for six weeks because I failed a math quiz in primary school." I mumble. "You didn't let me come to dinner for a month when I didn't make that one team. You-"

"That was punishment."

"I was nine!" I shout. "I was fucking nine! I didn't fucking know that's what that was! I was eleven when you told me for five hours that I was a plague to the fucking Earth for wanting to kiss a boy, you told me I was going to hell for it. Who the fuck tells an eleven year old that they're fucking forever damned? It took me 15 years to feel anything again and when I did it was him!" I shout. "I don't give a fuck what you say to me about this and frankly if you don't accept me for it I'm more than happy to step out that door and never come back. He might be just as new to everything as I am but he loves me so much fuller than you ever did."

"Who said we didn't love you?" Mom raises her voice.

I throw my hands up. "I don't fucking- I don't-"

"So you're in love. With a man." Dad crosses his arms, leaning forward on the table, wood creaking with the weight.

"Yeah," I admit. "Yeah, I am. What you say can't change that."

"You're done," Dad says. "You're done with hockey. You're coming home, for at least a season, you need to learn-"

"I'm twenty six. I make my own decisions and I'm not quitting hockey just so you can tell me over and over again that I'm going to hell for loving another man."