Sasquatch to the Moon

41: What Could I Do?

"Shush, Håkon."

"No, I've been through this in my head so many times, you deserve to struggle with it too." I tap my head back a couple more times, tap tap tap against the wood. "Or, or will they send you to hell because you didn't love your son for who he is? Do you think they judge you more based on your adherence to the fucking book than to your love of everyone around you? Milo and I talk about this a lot. His dad disowned him when he came out, he was 13. He moved to Canada, didn't speak a word of english but made it alright, I played against him in the IIHF and then we landed on the same team. But his dad disowned him because he was just like you two." I close my eyes, fiddling with my fingers just like he does. "I really do love that boy, you can't take that from me. You might tell me I'm going to hell and you might try to force me to quit hockey, you might disown me right here and now and honestly it wouldn't change much, I'd still be gay. I'd still wake up tomorrow in love with a man. I'd still, down the road, only be into men. Sucks for you guys, because I know you're against that, but, you can't change it."

They're talking softly between themselves and I'm just sitting there, hands shaking, head full of fuzz. My whole body feels too light and too heavy at the same time, my skin is crawling under itself, things are too loud in my head, around me, all over the place. 

I decide to interrupt my own thoughts. 

"Did you know that my first weekend in Regina, I wasn't invited to do anything with the team? They didn't even add me to the group chat until December. Did you know I scored my first NHL goal in my first game? It was a wild night, but it was fun. Did you know that last summer, when we won the Stanley Cup and I was allowed to have it for my little period of time I said no? I didn't know what I'd do with something like that for a week. I was here when it was supposed to happen and I didn't even know if you guys knew I'd won, I dunno. I guess I just didn't want the attention from it." 

I sigh, running my fingers through the side of my remaining short beard. "Did you know that in my second season I got two teeth knocked out on the side? I fight a lot and now I'm better at it, but I fight a lot, and I got hit in the face just a little wrong too many times and he broke two of my teeth clean in half. I still remember the feeling of pulling them out, wakes me up from a dead sleep sometimes." they're not paying attention, they're discussing between themselves. "Did you know that I broke my wrist three years ago? Snapped it on one side, I've got a metal post in there keeping my bone where it is, sometimes it hurts a little when the weather gets warm."

They're not paying attention, I'm just talking at a wall, it feels kind of good, to be honest, to finally tell them anything even if they're not paying attention. "Did you know that I have a little form of albinism? The only reason it wasn't caught is because my vision is good. You guys could've picked up on it if you had looked at me for more than 10 minutes when I was little. You can see it in old photos, I'm a little too light to fit in with you guys. Milo thinks it's beautiful. He thinks I look like a forest spirit." I feel my little heart flutter and my eyes sting. "He says a lot of stuff like that, actually, tells me all the time how good I am, that I'm good at hockey even when I'm having a bad day, that I'm good at cooking even when I burn something, that he loves my eyes and my hair and he even likes my teeth, it feels good, you know." 

I sigh. "I didn't really think people liked anything about me, that I was just there because I had to, because I served a purpose on the team. And then he comes along and he tells me, before I fall asleep almost every night when he's not too tired, that he loves me, endlessly."

I drop my head, blinking hard. "He spends time when I get into a fight cleaning out my stitches so I don't have to. I cut my cheek open at the end of the season, got clipped in the facemask with the puck, broke the plastic, sent it into my cheek. It's still a little red but it's mostly gone because he sat with my head on his lap, helping me replace the butterfly stitches when I was too tired to do it myself."