Sasquatch to the Moon

41: What Could I Do?

I sigh, running my finger over it. "I don't think you guys pay attention to my career much, I remember how you told me in my first season how it took too much time to watch my games so you just looked to see if I scored or not. You don't even text me to congratulate me anymore, but I always kind of assume you know at least a little bit. I got knocked out last season, flat out, had to be taken off the ice, bad concussion, all that. I got one call that night and it was from Isa and Leo, they wanted to know if I was alright. I was, I'm okay, I toughed it out like you told me to, Dad. Still feels weird, though, that with both Leo and Isa working so much every week, that they still manage to find time to sit down and watch my games, even if they have to record them to play them back later." 

I unhook my retainer for the last time, slipping out and setting it in my palm. "It's only an hour long. But it's okay. Milo takes care of me now. His mom is scary but she's nice and she always watches, especially when Milo is in goal. I can practically hear her yelling from halfway across the rink through 20,000 people. He's her whole life, it hurts a little, on the inside, but recently she's been letting me in a little more. I didn't think getting hit with a wooden spoon would feel so loving, but it just meant she saw me as someone close enough to her to smack with a spoon for trying to eat cookies off the pan too soon." 

I run a hand through my hair. "I wanna be a Dad someday, maybe when Milo and I are older we'll move to somewhere in the Czech Republic or in Canada and we'll adopt kids. After I get some counseling, of course, but I want to coach a little league hockey team and show them all my best tricks and tell stories about my time in pros. I want to give someone a good life, you know? I have a lot of expendable wealth, too. I make 11 million dollars a year for breathing. I'm making a disgusting amount of money just sitting here. He did the math for me as a joke one night, rather tipsy, I think the number was thirty thousand in a day just from keeping myself alive. Of course, you guys don't really know American money, and I do have to pay taxes on it, about half, but it's still too much for me to live and die with."

I slip my retainer into the pocket on the side of my shorts, letting it rest there against my thigh. "I think he'd be a good Dad, he's sweet and funny and cuddly but at the same time he knows when to be mature about things, even if sometimes he doesn't. Of course, it would be a linguistic mess, I'll probably end up learning Czech at the same time as he learns Swedish and we both know English, of course, so the poor kids would have to learn three and separate between them, because I'm not doing to them what you did to me, not teaching the second language because it wasn't 'useful.' It is. Even if you only use it once, it's important to have that skill somewhere."

I try to come up with more shit to talk about idly before they tell me to get out. "I kept the beard this year." I start. "I always liked how I looked with it but I was too scared to change anything, worried that someone would point it out. I want to change stuff about myself, all the time, but I'm scared people will say something. This year I didn't shave it after we were done with playoffs. You guys normally call it unprofessional and like I'm poor or something, which, is insensitive, but that's why I kept it shaved this long." I sigh. "Maybe this whole thing will let me grow into who I want to be, who I wanted to be when I was little. Maybe if I'm not so scared of what you guys are going to say about stuff I'll actually change things." 

"I want to get a stupid tattoo, just to see what happens. I was thinking about a little Sasquatch on my hip with a flag. White for now, 'course, because I don't want to out myself in the showers down the line, but when I retire or when everyone knows, maybe I'll fill it in with a little rainbow. Think about it, a little Sasquatch with a rainbow flag. Maybe he'll be standing on the moon with the Earth way in the background. I'll call it 'gay Yeti conquers the world' or something dumb. That's my nickname, you know, Yeti. I like it, it's better than listening to people butcher my name and it's fun and short and makes me feel like a big and cuddly cryptid. Milo said that line, big and cuddly cryptid. Every time I think about it I smile a little."