A spring without you | soukoku

Winter

When met with a questioning gaze, the detective took the opportunity to speak instead of explaining himself.

"Hey Chuuya, did you know that if you hold hands while sleeping, you'll have the same dream?"

Amber eyes stared off at the falling snow before them almost as if statement was for Dazai to hear alone. The barely noticeable squeeze against his palm was the only response he needed to know Chuuya had heard him as well as the thoughts he couldn't bring himself to say.

As comfortable as he was, Dazai knew Chuuya preferred to not remain seated on the couch for extended periods of time, and the ticking of the time alerted him just how late into the night it was. The brunet untangled his hand from the other and slipped out from beneath the quilt.

Without a word, Dazai gently picked up Chuuya's fragile form along with the quilt and brought them into the bedroom. Normally Chuuya would put up a fight claiming he could move around just fine without help, but he didn't protest and simply closed his eyes and sank into Dazai's arms.

After setting Chuuya down and wrapping him up again, Dazai repositioned himself in the same manner they were before relocating and slipped his hand back into Chuuya's.

Minutes passed as Dazai slowly felt his own eyes grow heavy with sleep. He struggled against the urge to give in, desperate to keep Chuuya company even if only for a minute longer, but as the minutes grew into hours, sleep claimed him as darkness fell onto his eyes.

***

Morning's light hit Dazai's face, bringing him out of his sleep. Still not completely awake, Dazai rubbed his eyes with his free hand when the weight in the other caught his attention. Dread filled him to the brim. Something felt unexplainably wrong.

Chuuya's hand rested limply against his own. Dazai felt his heart drop to his stomach.

Unable to turn towards the redhead's face, Dazai spoke in a shaky voice.

"Neh Chuuya...I just had the most terrible dream...You'd slipped away while I was asleep so I didn't even get to say goodbye."

Hazelnut eyes quivered as Dazai stared at the still form next to him.

"Chuuya...This is all just a bad dream right.."

Dazai pulled himself closer and brushed his lips against Chuuya's throat, searching for any signs of life.

Skin too cold to the touch and the absence of a pulse met him.

Devastation flooded into him as if someone had suddenly released the dam that had been holding his silent emotions. Pain seared into this soul, devouring his every thought, rendering him unable to speak.

A sob wretched its way out of his throat.

As if triggering a snowball effect, tears continued to flow down Dazai's face as his grief consumed him whole. Unable to break his deeply engraved mentality of preventing himself from expressing his pain verbally, he silently screamed deep inside as hot tears slipped past his face and onto Chuuya's closed eyes.

Dazai clutched onto Chuuya's limp body, sobbing into the body's shoulders and clung onto everything Chuuya was before life so cruelly snatched him away. He stayed by Chuuya's side the whole morning and allowed his pain to wash over him relentlessly like ocean waves as grief continued to strangle his breath and thoughts, robbing him of his very sense of self.

He couldn't bring himself to speak or even alert anyone of Chuuya's passing. No words could express the degree of his suffering.

***

Several weeks later

The ringing of his phone drew Dazai's attention. He had been ignoring the device since Chuuya's passing in wanting to alone in his grief. He gave one glance as the screen with every intention of ignoring whoever was contacting him when the contact name caused him to draw closer. Surprise crept into dull amber eyes at the name flashing on the phone screen. He picked up.

"Ane-san. How rare of you to call me."

The older executive wasted no time getting straight to the point.

"Dazai where are you right now."

"Inside."

"Don't move Dazai, I need to speak with you."

He blinked with exhaustion. "Apologizes ane-san, but I don't wish to see anyone. Now If you'll excuse me-"

Kouyou's voice cut into his statement. "Dazai..please..I need to know."

Dazai sighed, unable to ignore the painful plea in Kouyou's voice.

"Very well ane-san, but I'm coming to you instead."

He could almost picture the graceful executive nod.

"You remember where it is?"

A ghost of a smile flashed across Dazai's face.

"How could I forget."

***

The streets were covered in snow when Dazai finally stepped out of the apartment. He hadn't bothered bringing out an umbrella which resulted in the white powder dusting his hair and lashes.

Joyful memories from his childhood flooded his mind as Dazai approached the familiar path towards Kouyou's brothel. He had visited so often he found himself automatically taking all the twists and turns leading to the building without a second thought. Dazai found himself standing before the impressive building too soon.

Kouyou greeted him at the door and motioned him with a graceful swoop of her arm. She had her pink hair down, allowing the locks to cascade down her back like rolls of silk. The executive motioned for Dazai to sit and wordlessly placed a cup of tea before him before sitting down herself.

Staring down at the teacup in her hands, Kouyou spoke in a soft voice. "How...how did he look Dazai."

It took Dazai a while to respond. "Pale. Sick. Dead. He looked dead ane-san."

Pink eyes looked up at his face, searching for some trace of emotion.

"How did you know..."

Parted lips and a peaceful face flashed across Dazai's mind.

"His hand was too heavy against mine to be someone who was awake."

"You didn't show up to his funeral."

"I didn't realize I had to."

Despite the monotone voice, Kouyou didn't fail to pick up on the bitterness hidden deep within Dazai's answer. She gave him a sorrowful look. He chose to ignore it.

"Is that all ane-san."

Kouyou nodded and brought her eyes back to her teacup. "Yes Dazai."

A pause filled the room before Kouyou spoke again.

"Thank you."

Dazai felt his throat constrict as his own pain threatened to devour him again. He rose from his seat.

"I'll be taking my leave then."

Concerned pink eyes stared at him, almost as if they were trying to convey words Kouyou couldn't bring herself to say.

He had already reached the door when Kouyou's voice called out to him.

"Dazai-"

The brunet stopped.

"He cared deeply for you. Even after you left."

Fingers tightened around the doorknob as Dazai forced back the grief threatening to spill over.

Stepping out, he turned back towards Kouyou and held the door slightly open.

"Ane-san," Exhausted brown eyes met Kouyou's face. "I cared for him too."