Finding Forgiveness

Chapter 6

"What about now?" she asks quietly. "Are you still as angry as yesterday? Can you look at me without seeing absolute disgust?" Steffy inquires sadly. "I can tell you that is all I see when I look at myself..."

I give her a small smile. "Yes, I am still angry, I won't lie. But it's not like yesterday. It's a manageable anger now. I have had time to think about what I want to do, what we need to do, what's best for the baby and all we've been through together, both the good and the bad. I can tell you that despite my conversation with John, I was still ready to walk away, co-parent, and never look back....I called Shaw Wells to draw up the papers even."

"But?" she says peeking up through her eyelashes. "I feel like a but is coming."

By chance, I bumped into Wyatt at the coffee shop this morning. I looked and felt like hell and Wyatt could see it. So, I spilled all to him, and honestly, I won't lie, he was just as horrified and disgusted as I was at the whole situation. He couldn't believe that you would do that and risk everything. He expected it from my father, but you he was in complete shock over because he knows how much you love me and how hard we fought to be together. He watched it, lived it almost. He definitely had a few choice words regarding the entire situation, but at the same time, he had a few choices words for me as well as a few reality checks for me. He made me look at everything objectively as well as the part I played in this entire thing. He didn't want me to make rash decisions either, with the wounds being so new."

"Your part?" she asks in confusion.

"Yes, my part. As hard as it is for me to admit, I do share in a lot of the blame in this, as well as on a lot of previous things, and a lot of why you made the choices you made. Wyatt got me thinking to your feelings and your mind state through all of this and how I contributed to your actions. I am not innocent in all this either."

"What do you mean? This is all on me," she softly sighs. "I'm the one who made the choice."

I nod in sadness when her choice flashes through my head once again. "I know, and it's not comparable to what I did to Sally, but I was the one who set off the chain reaction. It wasn't you. You would've never betrayed me like that, if I didn't break my marriage vows to you first, kiss or no kiss, sex or no sex, consensual or not, it all boils down to breaking our marriage vows and the promises we made. It all equals the same thing. Neither one is better or worse, more devastating or the other when you look at it from the point of view that no matter the actions, it was, is still breaking our marriage vows." I bring my hand up to her cheek and lightly caress it. She leans into my hand, closing her eyes as she savors my touch. Sporadic tears fall from her face."

"This shouldn't be your burden, Liam."

"Hey, hey, it takes two to tango," I smile slightly.

Steffy gives me a small return smile.

"Look Steffy, you would've never done what you did had it not been what for I did." I sigh, as I beginning to truly realize all that I've put Steffy through. I briefly look away from her, not completely sure I can even look her in the eyes. I squeeze her hand once again. "I'm a horrible person, who can't even live up to the own standards that I set for everyone else in my life."

"I've taken for granted your love and commitment for and to me. I inwardly knew even if I never wanted to admit it, I knew that your love, vow and commitment to me was so strong, unbreakable, that I could just walk all over you and push your feelings, your needs aside to satisfy whatever it is I wanted."

"Truly loving someone Steffy, means putting their needs above your own, no matter what they may be, and you have done that. I have not."