Fragile

Chapter 29

Irritation flashed over Noah's face, but only for a brief moment. "She took off," he muttered, setting the grocery bag on the end of the bed. He gave Kiera a pointed look. 

Kiera scowled, holding her hands up in defeat. "Fine, both of you talk. But I want an explanation for all this after, you hear me?" she gave me a raised eyebrow, and as I nodded I felt a pang of guilt. Kiera was always so patient with me. Even now, as she realized I had kept her in the dark on such a big secret, she didn't yell at me or accuse me of being the bad friend I knew I was. She always waited until I was ready to speak, and never judged me no matter how many times I thought she would. She had proved her loyalty multiple times, and yet I could see I let her down again. If only she knew my entire life was a lie. 

Noah waited until the door clicked closed before speaking. "Are you hurt?" he pulled a disposable ice pack out of the bag, shaking it aggressively until it got cold. I watched him, staring blankly at the bag, not focused really on anything. I felt completely numb, and I could feel I was slipping from reality. 

But I had to force myself to stay present. As much as I wanted to forget tonight happened, I knew I couldn't do that. There were so many questions I needed to have answered, and if I waited until the morning, I knew I would never ask them. "How do you know my mother?" my voice lacked any tone, lifeless and quiet. At first, I wondered if Noah even heard it, but he let out a sigh. 

"How much did she tell you?" 

"Does it matter?" I asked. "I'm asking you. I don't want you to leave anything out." 

"Fay..." 

"Speak," I ordered, now piercing my gaze into his. I felt a burning rage I wasn't used to feeling, an itch under my skin that seemed to give me the adrenaline I needed to finally confront Noah. This time I wasn't backing down; I needed answers. 

He let out a shaky breath and sat at the edge of my bed. His eyes were glassy and bloodshot, like he was about to cry. "Go ahead. Ask what you want." 

Truthfully, I had so many questions I wasn't sure where to start. How did he know me? How did he know my mom? What did he have to do with the basement? Did he know my secret this entire time? Why didn't he say anything all this time?

 "How do you know my mom? How do you know me?" I finally asked. 

"How much do you remember from before?" he asked, but once he saw me get defensive, immediately followed with, "I just need to know how much you know so I know where to start." 

I forced myself to release the pent up air in my lungs, visibly deflating. "I don't remember anything before the basement," I admitted reluctantly. 

He nodded. "Other than your mom, do you remember your family?" 

I tilted my head. I knew I had to have a dad somewhere, but my mother refused to talk about him. I couldn't remember my family from before, so I always assumed it was only me and my mother, even before the basement. I had considered that maybe something happened with my father that made her hide me, or that we were even potentially hiding from my father. "No." 

He held out his hand, as if he were to reach for me, but faltered when I didn't moved towards him. He let his hand fall. "You had a father and a younger brother." 

The word had hung in the air, heavy and thick. I tried to swallow the lump that was forming in my throat, but to no avail. "What happened?" my voice was barely a whisper. I clutched my sheets in my fists. 

Noah seemed to be holding back tears as well. "Your dad and brother were on their way back from a late soccer practice, but there was an accident." 

My chest ached with tightness. "What accident?" I wasn't sure I wanted him to answer. 

"A drunk driver ran a red light and hit the car," Noah said, voice thick. "The car wrapped around a tree. Your father was dead on impact. Your brother... he survived the crash, but was brain dead at the hospital." 

The air felt like it was being sucked from my lungs. As if Noah unlocked old memories, flashes of my younger brother and father in the backyard flooded my vision. Water fights in the summers, my little brother stealing my toys. Fights and giggles and laughter. They echoed around my ears, even as I tried to shake them out. 

"Fay-" I flinched away from Noah's touch. 

"The driver," I croaked out. "What happened to the driver?" 

"He went to prison for manslaughter," Noah said, but tears streaked his face. 

I knew I didn't want the answer for my next question, but I couldn't keep the words from slipping off my tongue. "Who was he?" 

"Fay-" 

"Answer me!" 

He swallowed thickly. "My father." 

I clutched at my chest as the weight seemed to cave in. Noah reached for me, but I pulled away. "Get out." my voice was cold and sharp, startling him. 

"Fay-" 

"Get. Out." 

"I didn't ask for this to happen," he pleaded. "Please, Fay. You wanted me to talk, right? Just let me explain-" 

"Is this why you approached me? Have you been stalking me this whole time?" I felt like I was exploding with rage and hurt and grief all at once. Every emotion seemed to turn into a dagger I was aiming directly at Noah. "How long were you going to pretend you didn't know? I must've looked like a total idiot to you-" 

"No, not at all, baby," he said. I recoiled at the pet name. "When I realized you didn't remember, I was relieved. I thought you would be happier that way-" 

"Happier without my family? Happier living in a basement for the past 8 years?" I seethed. "All this time, you knew my past, and I confided in you! I told you how badly I wanted to know about my life before, that I wished I could remember. How could you sit back and say nothing-" 

"Why would I want you to be in pain living those memories again?" he demanded. "I promised you I would protect you, keep you safe." 

"By lying to me? By stalking me all this time? Oh God," I suddenly felt nauseous, "did you approach me out of guilt?" What we had didn't exactly have a name, 'dating' was never used. Even so, I couldn't help the waves of nausea that hit. "You kissed me-" 

"What, no, Fay," Noah cut me off, kneeling next to me. "I'll admit, I approached you because I wanted to protect you. But that kiss and those feelings are real-" 

"How could you still expect me to trust you?" I shrieked. "Get out! Get the fuck away, just get out!" 

I barely registered that Kiera had come back in, hearing all the yelling. "Noah, give her some air," she said with eyes that showed her request wasn't up for discussion. 

Tears streaked his face, but he nodded and reluctantly got to his feet. "I'll wait until you're ready." He ducked past Kiera and left quietly before I could respond. 

Kiera's arms wrapped around me as I let out a guttural sob, finally allowing myself to unleash all the pent up emotions that were bubbling to the surface. The grief of losing my family shook me to my core. Even if I had only discovered them for that one moment, I felt as if I lost them all over again. I hated myself for forgetting them, hated that I buried those memories. I hated that I had judged my mother so harshly for just trying to keep me from the same fate as my father and brother. I hated that even when I hated Noah for hiding everything from me, I still wondered if he would be okay. 

Kiera didn't push me to speak or ask me anything the entire night. She patiently held me, coaxed me into drinking water, rubbed my shoulders. I couldn't sleep, falling into night terrors each time I dozed. Kiera never left my side. 

I couldn't help but wonder if my dad and brother would have liked Kiera. If they would've forgiven Noah. if they would've forgiven me. 

I wondered if I could forgive myself.