Entanglement With Fate (Part 2)

21. Start Again

I realized what Baba was trying to tell me. Nana was scared. Adi was never scared of me. She never saw me differently. Only Nana did. Adi always found it wonderful. Only Nana didn't. The fear wasn't that I would hurt Adi. The fear deep down was coming across the same thing that he did when Sati died.

Adi never wanted me to be like her. She never saw me as anyone else but Sonakshi. Regardless what I was, I was her sister. I saw myself through Nana's eyes and made up my mind about how I was. Hence, I so held onto Adi hoping that I can be like her but Adi never really saw a reason for me to be like her. Nana wanted to because he was scared of all that chaos. He was still scared of maa and baba.

Regardless of what I do, I can never be Alaknanda Bhargavisuta. I will always be Sonakshi Umasuta.

"You have always been Alaknanda's hero, Sonakshi. To her, you are unsurpassed Sonakshi who is perfect as you are. You compared yourself to her because Daksh compared you to her out of his fear. Daksh has to learn to get over it. You have to learn to get over it." Baba said and I found myself in Kailasha again. "Speak to him, Sonakshi. It is necessary for you to get a closure on this. So does he. Daksh is down by Mansarovar."

At Baba's instruction, I went down. Nana was staring into the large lake.

"Nana..." I called him. He turned around and smiled at me. He was holding Adi's favourite toy. Tears in his eyes.

"I lost Sati and once again lost Alaknanda." Nana confessed. "I thought that exactly when I had healed from the injury that Sati's death, this new injury appeared. I cannot understand where I had gone wrong."

"Nana, you have not gone wrong." I tried to assure him.

"I had stood there when Narayana burnt away Alaknanda's body. His silence and lack of alankara was louder than the roaring of his half-man form. He didn't say a word to me. I wished he would get angry at me and sentence me to some punishment for failing to protect her." Nana held her childhood toy close to his chest. "To me, she had always been Narayana's child. I expected her to be extremely mischievous and she was but I don't know why I couldn't ever understand that you are Shiva's child. My fear stemmed from the fear I had for Shiva himself. My history was bad with him. I should have expected you to be Kali. I just saw you as Sati. I never remembered Sati to be anything else by Dakshayani. When I remember the memories of Alaknanda, she had always given you the freedom to be whoever you want to be. I was foolish, scared and very opinionated to give you that freedom. Now, to think that I am the reason you are suffering..." Nana tried not to cry. "Even when she was leaving for Badrinath, she told me that it was okay for you to be different from her. That I should try to tell you that you have to be yourself and not her."

"She noticed that I tried to be her?"

Nana chuckled. "You think you hide it well but she knows. You had always been her hero as Sonakshi. Nothing else but Sonakshi. She was brave because she knew you would always stand behind her as the source of her courage. You were always Durga to her. The goddess who gives courage to fight on."

Nana had a box of things. Nana put the toy back in them. He lit a matchstick and was about burn them away I pushed it away.

"Nana!!! What are you doing?" I exclaimed.

"You have to these burn away and build yourself again, Sonakshi. I want you to be Sonakshi. If Alaknanda makes you want to be Alaknanda because I feared Kali and adored Vishnu, I should burn away Alaknanda's memory so you can start fresh." He tried to explain.

"Nana, you can't ever do that. I cannot bear if you burn away Adi's last memories because I cannot handle the pain." I picked up Adi's toddler clothes. "I will get better but don't burn her away. I love her a lot, Nana. She is inked as my beloved sister in my soul. I will get better but not without the memory of my Adi. I promise you, things will be alright with me."