The Deep Oneshots Part 1

Incorrect quotes

Alpheus : No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess?
Maddy: Your life?
Alpheus : I- well yes, but-

Jess : Why isn't the statue smirking at me?
Maddy: It isn't smirking at anyone, they're all just imagining it.
Finn: Three of us saw it, Maddy. How do you explain that?
Maddy: *points at Alpheus * Sleep deprivation. *points at Finn* Paranoia. *points at Fontaine * Delusional personality disorder.

Maddy: Just so everyone knows, don't ever try to climb a tree at night carrying a strobe light, owls DON'T like it.
Finn: ...what happened?
Maddy: I made a VERY bad mistake.

Finn: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.
Alpheus : No, that's not how you make cookies.
Maddy: FLOOR IT!!
Finn: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?
Alpheus : yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-
Finn: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE F*CKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!
Fontaine: DO IT!
Alpheus : NO-

Fontaine : How long do you think it'll take?
Alpheus : I don't know, three or four.
Fontaine : Three or four what? Days? Weeks? Months?
Alpheus : Yeah, maybe five.
Fontaine : Five what?!

Alpheus : All of your existences are confusing.
The Squad: How so?
Alpheus : Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me.

Fontaine: Onion rings are vegetable donuts.
Alpheus , used to Fontaine being dumb: Sure...
Fontaine : Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.
Alpheus : Okay?
Fontaine : Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake.
Alpheus :
Fontaine: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio-
Alpheus : Jesus, that one is a little-
Finn , interested: No, no, Fontaine, keep going.

Alpheus : Sometimes I wonder if I'm hearing voices.
Alpheus : Then I remember that's the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time.

Maddy: Fontaine you can't move in with Finn.
Fontaine : Why not?
Maddy: Well, um, how are you going to feel when they see you without any makeup?
Fontaine : I'm not wearing makeup right now.
Maddy: Holy crap, you're beautiful.

Fontaine : What's it like being tall?
Fontaine : Is it nice?
Fontaine : Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?
Alpheus: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb 4 chairs, 2 boxes, a small coffee table and 6 oddly placed stools to get what they want.
Maddy: It was one time!

Maddy & Alpheus :*Playing video games*
Finn : You guys woke up at 5:30 in the morning just to play games?
Maddy: *silence*
Alpheus : *silence*
Finn, finally figuring it out: ...You two never went to sleep, did you?
Maddy & Alpheus in shame: Yeah...

Alpheus , texting Fontaine : Roses are red, Tony Hawk is a skater...
Fontaine ′s phone, auto-replying: I'm driving right now-I'll get back to you later.
*Later*
Fontaine , texting back: F*ck you.

Maddy: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am-
Finn: A doll.
Fontaine : A cinnamon roll.
Alpheus : A sweetheart.
Maddy:
Maddy: ...stop it.

Maddy: Welcome to F*cking Applebees, do you want apples or bees?
Fontaine : Bees?
Maddy: THEY HAVE SELECTED THE BEES!
Fontaine : Wait-
*Jess approaches, shaking a jar of bees menacingly*