unbroken (unexpected series)

Chapter 50.5

“It’s hard, sometimes… to trust someone with things that are inside you, you get worried that they will look at you differently. That they will judge you, but it’s more than them judging you... It’s all the negative things you think of yourself, it’s that person agreeing with you, validating all the negative things you believe in that really is hard.” My mouth went dry.

“And so… before that person can push you away, you push them away first. You hold them far enough so that you never have to put yourself on the line, you never have to hear them confirm what you think of yourself.”

My heart started beating quickly the more he spoke to me.

“Because its one thing to think negative things about yourself, but it’s a whole other thing to have someone else say it. Even though you believe it, it just seems to hurt so much more when someone else is verifying your belief.”

“And sometimes… sometimes we push people away so they don’t find out the dirty truth,” he did some things with his hands, two fingers on each hand up, he flexed them down.

“You don’t want them to find out the person you think you are… you don’t want to feel humiliated or ashamed by what you’re holding inside. You think that they’re going to leave you anyways once they know your truth, so you push and push, keeping to yourself.”

Nothing, I was giving away nothing. Then he went silent, just the picture of ease while I stared blankly, while inside the chaos was building, and I didn’t – couldn’t – I wanted to expel my thoughts just so I could get rid of the clutter inside.

“Kieran, you mentioned something… you said white coats?” my eyes widened when he said those two words, as well as the fact that I had mentioned them. I had revealed that little piece of my past.

“Can you tell me about the white coats?” my hands shook, my vision blurred and my chest squeezed painfully. Gasping, I grabbed the sofa edge between my hands to calm myself and to give my hands something to hold onto.

Share that with him? Chelsea and Gabriel already know, Nyx thought.

“Why don’t you just ask Chelsea and Gabriel?” I muttered, using Nyxs’ thoughts.

“You would prefer that I go behind your back and get information?” No! I shouted in my head. “I wouldn’t like that,” he continued, “I mean, granted they know what I’m thinking, I think I would prefer giving someone that type of information, sharing my past instead of being investigated or having that information given, taken without my permission.”

Again with the confusing run around, what difference did it make that I could give the details and Chelsea and Gabriel knew the details the minute I thought of them?

Grant snorted, “It’s about trust Kieran,” I blinked, did I say that last bit out loud? I don’t think I did but then how – “Your facial expression… it’s about trust. It’s about talking and sharing what happened to you, because Kieran; you don’t see what happened to you as a problem. You say you deserve it, but what I want to know is, if you thought you deserved what happened, why would you push Oakley away? You were punished for something you did-”