The World That Was Mine (Part I & II)

Part II: VIII

I didn't have to open my eyes to know it was Logan. He cupped my hand in his and squeezed it tight in reassurance. I swallowed hard and squeezed his back. We'd done this countless times since the start of the flight. It was a silent way to remind me he was here. That I was safe. That I wasn't alone. And though I appreciated his effort more than I could express, I couldn't say it was helping quite as much as he thought it was. 

But I didn't tell him that. I didn't tell him anything. 

The plane dipped down in the air one more time and I squeezed Logan's hand so hard I could imagine the pale color his skin had turned to. But he just squeezed mine even firmer. The plane stabilized in the air. I felt a hand carefully cup the back of my head as I slowly opened my eyes to look at my oldest brother. 

"Almost over." He mouthed, forcing a small smile. I breathed in shakily, my hand still gripping Logans fiercely. 

"I'm sorry." I mouthed back in a whisper. 

Tyler frowned and slowly shook his head. "Don't be." 

I nodded slowly and looked forward at the seat in front of me, my heart dropping yet again as the plane swayed from left to right. We had 30 minutes left of our flight. 30 minutes until we landed in my hometown. 30 minutes until the wait was over. My fear and worry had been palabale since yesterday, when I realized this was really happening. It'd been all I could focus on, even with all the distracting chaos of my birthday and Christmas. 

Both celebrations should have served as enough distraction to keep me unfocused on the sour emotions my trip was causing, but somehow, even though the mayhem and exiliation of celebrating my first christmas and birthday with my family hadn't been enough to keep my mind off what lay ahead. Who lay ahead. Both my birthday and Chrimas had gone better than I could have even hoped for. We'd spent the last two days with my whole family together, laughing, smiling, playing, and enjoying ourselves so thoroughly it was almost easy for me to lose myself in all the joy. Almost. Not quite. Not really. Not ever. But it'd been closer than I'd been to joy in a very long time. 

They'd spoiled me. Given me more gifts that I'd received in all 13 years of my existence, and more attention and care than I could ever need. They'd loved me in those few days. And a part of that didn't fear the notion, loved them too. 

But that part is never the one that wins in the battle of self preservation.

The plane bounced one more time. I sighed heavily, growing more tired by the second of being so uncomfortable and nervous. Instability is exhausting. I checked the time on Tylers watch that rested on his wrist to my left. 15 minutes. I swallowed hard and pulled my hand out of Logan's grip so I could wrap both my arms around my center. He frowned slightly in my peripheral vision, but didn't attempt to pull me back, for which I was grateful. 

"Are you okay?" Tyler signed to me slowly. 

I sighed deeply and nodded. "I'll be fine." 

"10 minutes. That's all." His reassurance was in vain, but I smiled anyway and nodded to appease him. 10 minutes. I glanced back at the watch. 5 minutes. I swallowed hard and turned my gaze towards the ceiling of the plane and counted to 60, then repeated that same process five more times until my head began to ache and the plane began to sink lower in the air.

I exhaled a sigh of relief when I felt Tyler squeeze my hands beside me, a silent signal that something was happening, in this case, the plane finally landing. I only looked away from the ceiling when Tyler's light grip on my hand tugged gently to get my attention. He smiled at me and stood up, pulling my arm with him so I would do the same. 

I swallowed again to force down what I could of the rising fear and discomfort in my throat, and glanced behind me at Logan. 

"You okay?" He signed quickly with a gentle smile filled with sympathy and worry. I nodded slowly and allowed myself to be pulled upwards to stand beside Tyler, both his and my backpacks slung over his shoulders as he stood in the aisle waiting for the crowd to move forward. He pushed me in front of him when I stood, keeping his hands planted firmly on my shoulders to guide me through the narrow lane.