Strings

Chapter 38

"Well, what the hell do you want me to do then, Hayden? huh? Beg you to take me back? Beg you to not dump me, when you've made it abundantly clear that you want nothing to do with me? No, tell me what it is exactly, that you expect me to do right now, when you refuse to even look at me!" I yell back.

He scoffs.

"You want me to look at you? You want me to fucking look at you? I can't, okay Avery, I just fucking can't look at you anymore."

His words break my heart in a way that I actually lose my balance a little and I feel more hurt than I thought was humanly possible.

"Why the hell not?" I find myself screaming, my hurt, my pain and my anger getting the better of me as I end up yelling louder than I would've intended to do so with the heat of the moment.

"What is it, that I've done that makes me so despicable to even look at?"

"It's not what you've done, Avery; IT'S WHAT YOU FUCKING ARE."
the intensity with which he yells takes me aback and I can no more stop the tears from streaming down my face. Making me feel much worse and even more pathetic, if that is even possible.

"You know what I see, when I look at you Avery?" he says, finally turning around but Its me who's gaze has dropped to my feet.

Because I know. I know what he sees when he looks at me. Broken, pathetic, silly little girl he was stuck with, that he just couldn't get rid off. Much less a companion and lot more a burden. Despicable, undesirable, worthless sorry excuse of a wife, strung around his neck because of a stupid binding contract.

"I see your fucking freckles that drive me crazy, and I don't just mean crazy, I mean, over-the-moon-loosing-my-shit kinda crazy, I see your fucking eyes, the brown pools of honey and chocolate that drown me every single time I look at them and that I know will very well be the end of me, I see your hair, that makes me go insane.
I see your fucking lips, and it takes me every cell in my body to not devour and claim them as my own because lord knows I wont be able to stop, The things I wanna do, you have no idea of the things I wanna do to you, the things I wanna do with you.

And god, the way you smile, I see your smile, and the dimple on your cheek, and the little mole that you have right below your jaw on the left side of your face, I see the corners of your eyes, and your fucking blush, GOD, your fucking blush; I see you Avery, all that you are and all that you deserve; and you're so so beautiful, painstakingly so that I know in my heart I will never be able to amount to anything for the woman that you are,
so yes, I cannot look at you right now, and I refuse to do so and I am sorry if you can't get it through that I love you so much, so painfully, so completely, so overpoweringly, so all-consumingly, that I love you with everything that I am, everything that I ever was and everything that I can ever hope to be and yet it wont be close to a fraction of what you deserve so I am fucking sorry Avery that I can't fucking bring myself to look at you, because it's me who's not enough, it's me who'll never be enough!" He all but yells in one breath.

what?

what?

I stand their dumbfounded, staring at Hayden who was standing much closer to me than before. My breathing spacy and shallow. It takes me more than a moment to digest what he said.

"I-" I open my mouth but no words come out.

"Fuck." He says.

It's drizzling now. Did I mention that? The clouds finally let go. It's insanely cold and the waters coming down.

"Fucking hell."
He runs his hands through his damp hair, completely disheveling his usually perfect locks of delicious voluminous hair.
He takes a few steps backwards rapidly as if unable to believe what he just said. What he just confessed.
Well, that would make the two of us.
I feel my lips pull into a smile but it's wiped away immediately as I hear what Hayden says next.