Off the Carousel

Until it's Gone

Without anymore hesitation, she lowered the tool to the exposed bone and pressed down firmly. The drill whined as it pushed it's way through the skull.

Just a little more-

"You're shaking! Why are you shaking!" A voice yelled.

"Wha-" Meredith looked up to see Nick in the OR, his hair was messy, his expression distraught.

What was he doing here? He was contaminating the OR! "Get him out of my OR!" She ordered the nurse.

But the nurse turned around, and it was Carolyn, "He has every right to be here, this is his father you're operating on," she said, arching a brow.

She chose to ignore them both and turned back to the patch of bone in front of her. The drill whined some more, "Just a little-"

Snap!

It broke. The drill bit broke. And then the monitors shrieked.

"He's flatlining!" Carolyn called out.

For a split second she froze, unable to switch gears in her head. It was supposed to be a simple procedure. Simple-

"Meredith!"

Fighting the panic in her chest, Meredith pulled the drapes off and whirled to Sam's side. "Begin compressions!" she shouted as she moved to straddle the patient.

Except now it wasn't Dr. Radford. It was Derek. He stared right at her as she pumped his chest. "It's too late..." he said. "You should've gotten a CT. Why didn't you get a CT?"

She shook her head, trying to dispel this strange delusion. "It's not too late, I can- I just-"

"You can fix him right?" Zola asked looking up at her as she clutched Anatomy Jane. "You fix everybody..."

"I-"

Suddenly Carolyn's face appeared right in front of her. "The call to not get a CT was a bad call." She said severely.

"But- there was an earthquake- and-" Meredith stuttered even as she continued compressions. She looked back at Derek, his face pale and ashen. One-two-three-four-five- she counted automatically.

"How come you can't fix him?" Zola asked.

"You are a doctor right?" Nick questioned as he scrubbed in.

Her stomach flip flopped. Nausea clawed at her. She swallowed and continued the motions of CPR. One-two-three-four-five, one-two-three-

"Where dadda momma?" Bailey asked as he scribbled on a chart with a yellow crayon. "I want dadda!"

"You're too late." Derek said. He shook his head sadly and sighed. "It's too late." He closed his eyes.

"No!" She pounded on his chest. "No! You can't leave me!" Pain vibrated through her arm as her fist landed on him again and again, but he remained there, still and unmoving. "Don't leave me! I'm pregnant! You can't!-"

Carolyn had been dozing lightly in the chair beside the gurney she'd purloined for Meredith, when a noise forced her awake. She inhaled sharply and blinked up to see her daughter-in-law squirming on the bed in her sleep.

"No," Meredith cried out, "You can't leave me... You can't!" Her arm swung violently, hand clenched in a fist.

Carolyn stood up and caught the flailing arm. "Meredith!" But Meredith kept flailing in distress, whimpering. "Wake up!"