Off the Carousel

Until it's Gone

Meredith's arm jerked in Carolyn's grasp and she gasped in pain. "Aah!" she cried again, and then her eyes opened, fearful and pained. "Owww," she moaned, rubbing her collarbone.

Carolyn clutched Meredith's arm and held her hand. "Shh, dear, you must've had a nightmare."

"I-" Meredith blinked, her eyes shining with tears. She sniffed, swallowed, and roughly wiped at her face with her free hand. "He-"and then a strange expression came over her and she ripped her arm from Carolyn's grasp.

"Mere-"

The slight woman launched off the gurney, hand over her mouth as she stumbled about.

"Dear Lord! Meredith!" Carolyn exclaimed in confusion and shock, but then everything was made clear when she bent over a trash bin and retched. Carolyn could only watch sadly at the younger woman's plight as she heaved again.

She took a few steps closer and waited. Meredith clutched her stomach and groaned before leaning against the wall and sliding down to the floor.

"Come back to bed, you must be exhausted-" Carolyn started to mother, but she was rebuffed as Meredith pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around them and sank her head into the space between.

Carolyn put a hand on the wall, vacillating. She was getting too old to be sitting on floors, on the other hand, she knew she wouldn't be able to convince Meredith to move.

Finally, her bones creaked and cracked as she knelt down beside her. As she rubbed her back, Meredith started to shake with silent sobs.

"Oh," Carolyn murmured as she rubbed. Meredith buried her face into the crook of her arm as she sobbed and sputtered. "It's not your fault..." Carolyn soothed, "it's alright... just let it all out." Even as she said this, Carolyn felt a lump in her throat and tried to fight her own grief as she comforted her son's wife. "Shh..."

She mumbled something, and Carolyn leaned closer to hear better, "What?" But Meredith shook her head.

"You can tell me, Meredith. It's alright... just say it."

"He-" she hiccupped. "He left me. I told him to go and he left," she said through gulping sobs. "I was stupid. It was stupid. And I h-hate him. I love him so much and I hate him and..." She trailed off, her grey eyes pools of leaden sorrow as she looked up at Carolyn, seeming to no longer care what anyone would think about her now. "Everyone leaves me, everyone, Carolyn. Derek's really gone. He's not coming back. No house of candles. No fairytales, no forever after." She swiped across her face, an angry clumsy gesture that was oddly heartbreaking for Carolyn to watch. "How could he- leave me? I'm all alone. I have to do this," her hand swept downward at herself, "alone. How do I? I have to raise my kids alone."

Carolyn felt that she was staring at herself some thirty odd years ago. A strange deja vu. She wanted to say so much, reassure, support, scold... but at the same time, Meredith's grief brought her to her own memories of her son and her late husband, and her heart was still breaking from that. Her throat clenched as she wrapped her arms around Meredith's shoulders and simply held her for now.

xxx

Just over a month ago:

Carolyn sighed as she finished the last bit of cleaning for the day. She folded the slightly damp tea towel and hung it on the oven handle. Humming along, she reached for the kettle and filled it with water before pulling out the box of assorted teas from the cupboard. Before she could decide on a blend, the doorbell rang.

Odd. It was rather late for visitors. She put the kettle on the stove and padded to the foyer, not at all concerned who could possibly be here at this late hour.