Off the Carousel

Until it's Gone

Derek nearly choked on his tea, "I-yes." he said as his expression asked 'how did you know?'

"Please, that was easy. I can read you like a book."

He cupped the mug and stared down at the tea. "We did fight. She told me to leave, take the job, and I did. And then..." he shook his head and frowned morosely.

"What did you do?" Carolyn asked, although it was more of a scold, like one would say to their dog after he chewed up your shoes.

"I..." he hesitated, swallowed and spoke again, "I broke a promise." His eyes flicked up at her and then back down in shame.

Carolyn raised an eyebrow and tried not to read too much into that phrase.

"The president asked for me," Derek continued. "He wanted me. Me." Derek pointed at himself. "But I chose to stay in Seattle. For Meredith. For the kids."

"For your family."

"Yes,"

"But?"

Derek fidgeted, "I... she never backed me up. She never really supported my decision, it's like she was waiting for me to- to fail or something. And then we had this huge fight- because... I don't know... and she told me to take the job, so I- I took it."

"But you didn't want to."

Derek swallowed. "I wanted to, but-"

"You didn't want to be away from her."

"Meredith wanted to stay in Seattle."

Carolyn sighed and took a moment to think. She didn't know Meredith well. Sure, there'd been the usual emails and cards, the occasional holiday together where they would share small details of their lives... Meredith had appeared like an eager young thing the first time they met, but quickly revealed that it was all a facade, that she was really dark and cloudy.

But it really didn't matter much to Carolyn because she saw who her son was becoming with her... and he had changed. Meredith changed him.

Another sip of her tea. The clock ticked. The refrigerator kicked in and hummed loudly.

"So you can't have both," Carolyn surmised, eyeing him over her mug.

Derek let out a defeated sigh. "No," he said.

"Why should it matter? You already have everything," Carolyn pressed. There was a point to this, she just had to badger him enough.

"I know! I know now!" Derek confessed, "But I screwed up, I hurt her! I really- she..." He stood up, fighting back tears. "I hurt her."

"You told me once that she saved you."

Derek paced. "Yeah, well... she did."

"You two did that trial... I still have the medical journal. It kickstarted your career." That was the turning point for her too, when she started to wonder, just who this Meredith was, who her son was now becoming.

"Hmm," Derek rubbed his jaw thoughtfully.

"She was there for you when a madman shot you," Carolyn blurted. If Derek had hurt his wife, then it was time that he was reminded... how much ne needed her. "She married you. She decided she could try and be a mother to your children. She fought for Zola. She pushed you when you were scared about your hand after the plane crash... she gave you a son."

Carolyn despised the painful look that was appearing on his face. But it was necessary. Stitches on an open wound. She picked up the kettle and the mugs and poured the remainder of the tea down the drain.

"I... I know." His voice was soft, almost humble.

"And all she wants is Seattle? Her home? Where you built a lovely house by the way." The water ran as she rinsed out the mugs and set them on the dish rack.

"Mom, I get it. I'm not that vain. I chose to stay, remember?" he defended.

"Fine." But that last sentance reminded her of another time when she heard that line. "Were you happy when you stayed? Even without Meredith's support? Did you stay because you wanted to... or out of duty?"

"Duty?"

"My Lord, Derek. Remember Addison? That woe begone marriage? You tried to stay because of duty, but you were miserable." Heaven forbid she get a repeat of that.

"I wanted to stay. I wanted to be happy with my family, but Meredith-"

Uh-uh, she wouldn't let him shift the blame. "When you decided to stay, did you ask her what she wanted?"

"It was my decision to make." Derek jabbed a finger on the counter.

Carolyn shook her head. "When you are married, son, there is no such thing as a unilateral decision. She couldn't support you Derek, because that was not you. You love your family, but you are far too brilliant to be sitting on the sidelines of something revolutionary. Meredith knew that.

"Don't you see?" She put her dishrag down and leaned against the counter. You said it yourself. She saved you. She saves you everytime. There was a time, Derek, when all you had was a trailer. A trailer and Meredith. And somehow, at that moment, that was enough for you. When did she stop being enough? When did she stop being everything?"

Derek floundered for a coherent word, but could only stammer in Carolyn's wake. "I..."

"You're impulsive, prone to running... you wear your heart on your sleeve, and you always think you're right." Carolyn shook her head. "You are the perfect mixture of your father and I."

"Hmm," Derek managed.

"You look tired and miserable. You need to take a good look at your life, if it's not working shut up and fix it."

"Okay," Derek nodded. as if resolving something inside himself. "Okay. Just tell me one thing. Why did she tell me to go? She told me to leave- I, I don't get it."

Carolyn sighed. "She told you to go... because she wanted you to come back. You don't know what you have...

"Until it's gone." He breathed.

"Yes."

xxx

"Do you think he'll wake up soon?" Grace asked.

"The doctors said it might be awhile. He lost a lot of blood." Cassie stroked her daughter's hair, revelling in the silky feel of it. Revelling in the relief of having her in her arms. Thankful and happy just to be alive.

"No, I mean Nick," Grace giggled.

"Oh gosh, just let him sleep."

"Yeah, that's probably for the best." Grace agreed.

"Grace?" Cassie cleared her throat, "You know how I told you that I couldn't read Meredith?"

"Yeah."

"It was like that tonight. She wanted to operate, I almost stopped her, because I didn't believe-" She swallowed. "I didn't have that feeling that I get when I know..."

"That everything will be okay?"

"Yeah." Cassie sighed. "Do you know anything about that? Why..." Cassie stopped, lost in thought. If she'd stopped Meredith, surely Sam would be dead. Why did this woman cause so much frustration in her? Why couldn't she see?

"Sorry mom," Grace replied, rubbing her knee. "No clue. But you did end up trusting her. And Sam's okay. He's going to be okay."

"Yes, I suppose so." Cassie admitted. "Thank you Grace, I needed that."

Her daughter squeezed her a little tighter. "Love you mom."

"Love you too."

A/N: More soon! Thanks!