The Dark Side of Introversion and other stories.

THE DARK SIDE OF INTROVERSION

"I want you to understand something," he began. "If they hate you, it's not because they don't like you, it's because they don't understand you."

"But why?" I asked, with tears slowly welling up in my eyes.

"You're the smartest in the class right? They see you, and they like you. They actually do. People are naturally attracted to smart guys like you. So, they want to be friends with you. But because you prefer to keep to yourself, they assume you're arrogant and rude. So they begin to despise you.”

"Why do they keep making fun of me?"

He smiled crookedly, then replied, "Maybe they're just trying to get your attention".

I gave him a scornful look, to which he laughed once again. When he became quiet, I asked, "Dad, why are we introverted?"

He paused and readjusted himself in his seat. He seemed reluctant to give an answer but after a while, he finally spoke.

"Well. That's a good question. Funny thing is, I actually asked my father the same question when I was your age, and he gave me an answer which satisfied my curiosity."

"Which is?" I asked impatiently.

He was about to speak, when all of a sudden, he began to cough repeatedly. I handed him a cup of water which lay on the table beside my seat. He had been coughing that way for the past few days, but I never put much thought to it. When it finally stopped, he continued.

"My father taught me, that they were two kinds of introverts; the born introverts and the forced introverts. According to him, the born introverts are self-explanatory. From childhood, they grow up with a distaste for socializing and tend to spend more time alone, which they enjoy profusely. Although they hardly socialize with others, most of them have no issues with social interaction. It's easy for some of them to make friends if they really wanted to. But they usually just keep to themselves. I believe you James, are a born introvert. Unlike me.”

"Unlike you? I don't understand sir."

He reclined his back on the sofa before he continued.

"There are the forced introverts. My father originally gave it the term 'introvert-by-choice', but I don't really believe that someone wakes up one day and chooses to be an introvert. Hence I renamed it.”

"I don't get it. Who forced them to become introverts?" I asked.

"Society.”

My confusion was visible on my face.

"Just listen," he continued, "There are people, young ones mostly, born social creatures like every other person. They interacted with the world, made friends, socialized. But then, they faced a tragic, traumatic experience. May be loss, betrayal, rape, abandonment - and without the necessary therapy and healing required for them to recover, they ended up losing trust, faith and interest in other people. They alienated themselves from society, and became introverts.”

The silence that ensued was terrifying. My father was lost so deep in thought, and it was hard for me to process all he told me. Eventually, the truth behind the message dawned on me and I broke the silence with a question.

"What tragedy happened to you?"

The question must have been unexpected because his facial expression suddenly changed. He readjusted himself on the sofa once again. He had a look of pain on his face, and it seemed I had forced him to remember something he really wanted to forget.

"I never had the will to share that story with anyone. Not even your mother. And even now, I'm afraid I cannot share it with you. I pray, you never get to experience it.

When your mom came into my life, she patched me up. She reminded me what it was like to have someone who you could share your whole being with. When she left, I only ended up worse than before she came."

He sat upright and drew me closer to him.

"James, you're young. You have all the time you need to build a social circle. Being an introvert isn't an excuse not to make friends. You need friends. I'm ashamed to say this to you, but the life I lived isn't one worthy of emulation. I wasn't able to make or keep any friends. I do not want you to end up like me. Make friends, build your future with others, and you'll never end up alone. If they make fun of you, just ignore them. All you need is one true friend. Just one person who you can share your life and ambitions with. The older you grow, the more you'll realize the essence of having such friends.”

He stopped talking and drank his water once again. He raised his legs from the floor, moved them over my head and reclined on the sofa.

For the first time, I witnessed a side of my father that I never knew existed. He looked so vulnerable and I felt so sad for him. Why did mom fall victim to that car accident, leaving my dad to suffer in this world alone? They say ‘detachment is pain’, but I had never imagined the gravity of that statement until this day. Sadness overwhelmed me, and I felt totally empty within. The bullying I faced was nothing compared to whatever my father had gone through. The trauma that forced him to become anti-social. I initially held back my tears from flowing, but I couldn't anymore.

I suddenly felt a tap on my left shoulder and opened my eyes to see my father staring directly at me.

"If you ever try to commit suicide, I'll kill you, do you hear me?"

My father's absurd statement made me giggle a bit. A slight grin appeared on his face too.

"I won't ever think of it again sir. I promise." I clasped my hands together in an effort to show my sincerity.

He looked at me reassuringly, then said, almost inaudibly:

"Your future is bright, I'm sure of it."

He lay down with the right side his head on the arm of the sofa. I watched him for a while until he fell asleep, with a smile on his face.

*     *     *     *     *

My father died two days ago. Lung Cancer.

Apparently, he picked up a habit of smoking after my mom died and it took the better of him. His corpse looked so sickly and pale, and up until this moment, I have failed to get that image out of my head.

When he died, I was the only one beside him.

No one else came to visit. No one called. No one sent flowers.

No one.

He had no friends beside him.

He died alone.

That I believe, is the loneliest feeling, in the world.

The worst fate to ever befall a man, is to die, knowing that no one will miss you. No one will think about you. No one will remember you.

I do miss him, but I'm afraid it may not be sufficient.

Thoughts of suicide returned to my head, and I can't help but feel dejected. This time I didn't try to fight it. I only embraced it, cause after all, I am an orphan, and my future doesn't seem so bright anymore.

To be honest, I'm not really afraid of dying. I'm afraid of dying alone.

But we all gotta face our fears, right?