unrequited

14

"I'm not," I answered with my guard up. "...I need a distraction."

"From what?"

I stared at him and I shook my head. "It doesn't matter." I said. "Didn't we agree on no questions asked?"

He nodded.

And then, the empty kisses were back. It was nothing but empty movement but I needed something. Anything.

I needed to be in a moment where I wasn't thinking about Changmin. Recounting all of the conversations we shared just between us. Having the same music taste, and reading the same books, caring for each other. And yet, he was still just my brother's best friend. And I was just his best friend's little sister.

How can a year have made so much difference? Or maybe, it wasn't the age gap. Maybe it was just us. Maybe he didn't want it to work, and maybe it shouldn't have.

Sunwoo's hand touched the clasp of my swimsuit top and I was put back into reality.

My body tensed up, as I realized what was happening.

How far was I willing to go for a distraction?

I opened my eyes when Sunwoo's lips separated from mine. His hands were resting on either side of my head and I was laying on the soft covers of the bed.

He looked down at me with emotion I had never seen on his face before. Sunwoo's hand caressed the side of my cheek and it felt damp where he touched.

"You're crying," He whispered.

I blinked. I hadn't cried in so long, I forgot what it felt like. Maybe it was the alcohol, but I didn't even notice it happening. I tried to push down the heartbreak I was feeling but nothing was working. Not even this.

My lips parted and Sunwoo rolled off of me. I brushed the tears off my face and I sat up.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"No, don't do that shit." Sunwoo glanced at me. "Don't apologize like you did something wrong."

"It's not that, it's just.... we weren't supposed to have to lean on each other emotionally." I said. "I shouldn't be crying in front of you when we have a no expectations rule."

Sunwoo shook his head. "It's cool." he answered.

We sat in silence. We could hear the sounds of the ocean waves outside, the party happening on the sand. In theory it was the perfect moment for this to happen, and yet.... it just wasn't.

"Doah. I'm not the person you need." Sunwoo said after a while.

'Sunwoo you don't get it. You're exactly the person I need.' is what I told him on our first date.

I nodded. He was right. I was in tears from this. My knees were shaking but it wasn't anything he did. He did nothing wrong.

"You don't deserve to have another meaningless night with someone," I answered quietly. "You deserve someone that would stay."

Sunwoo looked away from me. He stared at his hands. Eventually a sad laugh was forced out of him. "sometimes I think that'll never happen. I think there's something wrong with me."

"Don't say that," I said. "You just haven't met the right person."

"Yeah, maybe."

"And I'm sorry that this wasn't enough," I said. "For either of us."

Sunwoo glanced at me. "You're lucky, you know."

"How so?"

"You've found that person that will make you stay," He said.

"....but he won't." I answered. "I've found him and he won't. Isn't that worse?"

Sunwoo sniffed and shook his head. "Nah. I heard the way Serri was talking. They won't last."

I didn't want to get my hopes up.

"Also am I-- I mean are you--"

"I have a ride home," I answered.

He stood up and grabbed his shirt off the floor. "But hey, if it's cool with you, can we still like... talk? When we see each other at school and stuff. You're still the most interesting girl I've ever met, Doah."

I gave him a small smile. "When's your next soccer game?"

"Next tuesday."

"I'll be there," I said.

"Sideline girl." He stepped back towards the door. "And thanks, by the way. For this."

"I didn't do anything," I said. I felt so small, sitting on the edge of this bed.

"You did more than you know for me." Sunwoo answered.

We shared a last look and he shut the door with a quiet click. And just like that, the distraction was gone.

I had to face what I was trying so hard to ignore.