Shadows: A Six of Crows Fan fic

Chapter Twenty-Six: Inej pt. 1

Standing in front of her now, shifting uncomfortably in that room of the monastery, Inej saw that same kid. Taller, more filled out, a different agony twisting inside of him, but all of it still hidden behind fake smiles and empty jokes.

She remained silent as she studied him, letting him talk himself out. Just like back then, she still wanted to help him not hurt so much. She wanted to give a friendly hand for him to hold on to and pull himself up with. Wanted to do what little she could for the boy who had smiled at her and been a friend when she had none.

So, while she was still morning the loss of her crew member, tired from the long day and stress, she kept to her silence. She wanted to at least give him the dignity of being the first to admit what he'd done without her forcing the truth into the world.

Jesper jutted his chin towards the wall, "How much you think that painting is worth, anyway? Weren't monks supposed to be all anti-stuff?"

Inej's shoulders sank the more he talked.

Jesper chuckled to himself. "I think Wy's got a similar painting. Do the rich have a particular taste for the bazaar?"

He had a point, the painting had too many colors and she wasn't sure what it was supposed to be, but his poor jokes and half-hearted evasions were getting to her.

"Jes," she whispered and finally he fell silent.

Then he slowly sank to the floor and sat with his legs crossed, his hands covering his eyes. When he didn't speak or move, Inej slid off the bed and sat beside him. She leaned her head lightly on his shoulder.

A breath jerked his whole body and then he was talking, whispering into the quiet room his sins. He spoke of a pressure that had been building inside him since they'd left Ketterdam, of how angry he'd been at everyone, how scared he was that Wylan wasn't going to make it. Tears dripped between his clenched fingers as he spoke of the night of the storm.

He'd tried to help the crew where he could but the wind and waves kept beating at him. He'd started yelling at the ocean, throwing all his unaimed anger at the water. He knew that it was stupid, useless, but he had been so fed up with being helpless. Of not being able to do anything. For anyone.

Then a line had snapped and he'd grabbed at it, tried to tie it back down but his strength was failing him. Suddenly, the line was pulled down enough so that he could tie it.

"I'd turned around to thank whoever had helped," Jesper swallowed and finally lifted his head. He turned to look at Inej and she wanted to cry with him when she saw the anger cutting across his eyes. "But it was him. The one who'd stabbed Wylan. Who'd beat him unconscious."

He paused, shaking his head. His voice cracked as he spoke again, "Did you know that he's paralyzed? Healer said he wasn't fully sure he could even get Wy to walk again."

Inej lifted her head, "Jesper." She wanted to say something else, but what was she supposed to say to that? Instead, she placed a hand on his arm and tried to hold back her tears as she watched his head keep shaking back and forth.

"That man... that monster had the audacity to laugh when he saw that it was me," Jesper went on. "I was mad, I wanted to punch him. But I saw you up there giving the crew orders and I knew I had to walk away. So, I did."

Jesper looked at her again, this time his eyes were pleading and he grabbed the hand she'd placed on his arm. "Inej, you have to believe me when I say that I tried to walk away. I remember what we talked about that night in the hotel. About the Suli version of an apology." The words echoed in Inej's mind, mati en sheva yelu. This action will have no echo. "I want to be a better person. I've been working on trying to find, trying to heal that wound inside me. I didn't want to cause you more suffering."

Jesper looked away again, "But he wouldn't let me walk away. He said I was weak, and a coward. Just like Wylan. He said he enjoyed stabbing him, said he thought he was doing the world a favor by ending the life of such a weakling.

"He had no idea what he was talking about. So, I started yelling at him and he yelled back until Kaz suddenly appeared throwing us both against the ropes. Kaz had a good hold on me, but like he'd told Dawa, only his fingers were in the man's shirt." Jesper's voice was a whisper now. "I was still so angry. Even when the wave crashed over us it was consuming me and that pressure kept building until I just snapped. I didn't even think about it, my body just reacted. The next thing I knew I was gasping for breath on the deck of the ship with Kaz next to me, but the other guy was gone.

"I don't regret killing him. I would have done it eventually some other way. But I do regret that I didn't think about what it would mean for you, for Thalia, for- for Jackson." Jesper's voice broke on the name. "I know it's not what you want to hear, but I am so, so sorry. I just couldn't- that monster... I'm so sor-" Inej held up a hand to stop him and nodded. She understood, at this point she could barely blame Jesper for wanting the man dead. If anyone deserved death that man probably did. But who were they to play saint with the lives of others? It was a question she asked herself every time she created a new corpse.

They sat on the floor together and let the minutes tick past, Jesper hitched breathing the only sound in the room. Their fingers were laced together on her knee and she could feel the wet of his tears against her palm.

Finally, Jesper spoke up again, "Did he have a family?"

Inej shook her head, her eye's staring vacantly out the balcony doors. "No, Jackson lived alone but he did have a younger sister. He was working on my ship to help pay for her university tuition."

"And Thalia?"

"They met almost a year ago on another ship. It wasn't love at first sight, but the more they got to know each other the more they fell." They were silent for another moment. "Thalia taught me to sword fight you know."

Inej watched a leaf as it blew in the wind outside. It spun and danced in the air until it finally came to rest on the balcony railing. "She would talk to me about him sometimes while we practiced, her eyes only ever lit up that much when she was in the middle of a worthy fight."

After another stretch of silence, Inej whispered, "You should have told me about this sooner."

"I know," he whispered back.

"Maybe I could have done something. Been more prepared for Dawa's reaction."

"I know."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Her voice was more insistent now.

"I wanted to," Jesper said, matching her urgency. "But I was so afraid of what you would say. I basically betrayed you again. How could I tell you that I was the source of your pain for the second time?"

"You should have told me."

Tears started to fall from his eyes again, "I want to do more than apologize, Inej. How do I make amends?"

Inej studied his face. His hair was growing out more than his usual buzz cut becoming messy, tear tracks glistened on his cheeks, and his dark eyes were red and swollen. "Keep trying, Jesper."

A/N

This chapter ended up being very long so I felt like I had to break it into. Look at me posting two chapters on the same night! There's a lot of Inej's POV, sorry if that annoys anyone but tbh she's kind of the main character of this. It'll start going into more of the others' after this though so just give it a little bit.