Unfettered (Loki x Reader)

Chapter 8 - Pretending

"Had to have been at least ten," Natasha chimes in.

You shoot her a glare, but she just shrugs as Steve furrows his brow. "He's dangerous," Steve scolds. "You should wait for backup, Y/n."

"You know, Steve," you frown. "It's kind of hard to take you seriously with cheese dust all over your face."

Natasha slaps a hand over her mouth, stifling a laugh as Steve's ears go pink. "All I'm trying to say," he says, using the back of his hand to wipe away the lingering cheese puff residue from the corner of his mouth. "Is that I know you're in charge of questioning Loki. But...it might not be a good idea for you to go up there alone."

"Oh yeah?" you challenge dismissively, pulling open the door to your quarters the rest of the way. "You gonna protect me from the big bad god, Steve?"

"Well, yeah," Steve says softly, casting you a sad smile. "If I have to, of course."

Caught off guard by Steve's response, you fumble with the handle of your door and it slips from your hand, sliding closed. Natasha gives Steve a knowing look, and slinks back into her own room, leaving you and Steve alone in the hall. You blink a few times, at a loss for words. But Steve isn't offended by your silence. Instead, he catches the corner of your door and slides it back open, holding it for you.

"You don't have anything to prove, you know," Steve says, offering you a kind smile. 

You press your lips together in a tight, thin line and keep quiet. Steve sighs and pulls the sleeve of his shirt over his hand, clutching the material in his fist as he reaches out and wipes away the tiny, stubborn tear still clinging to the side of your jaw. You hadn't felt it linger from earlier in the elevator.

"Did he hurt you?" Steve asks.

"No," you say stubbornly, ignoring the ache in your head.

Steve regards you for a moment. You wonder if he's going to push the issue, but thankfully he seems to decide otherwise. "Well, all right," he says. "In that case, just let me know next time you want some backup, okay?"

Steve lets the door slip past his fingertips, and as it slides closed you're immediately overwhelmed by a sense of regret. Guilt. You should have gone to Steve for help. Or to Natasha. Anyone, for that matter. But you hadn't. Why?

I don't trust them.

The realization startles you. But it echoes in painful honesty. Despite the month you've spent with the Avengers - and the friendships you've begun to cultivate - you still don't trust any of them enough to be your backup. They were never supposed to be your backup anyway. Phil was supposed to play that part. With him gone, you never tried to fill that role. Never wanted to. As a result, you've been keeping everyone else - Steve, Nat, Tony - at arm's length.

You hadn't even realized it until right now, with how Steve's soft, blue eyes held you in their compassionate, caring gaze. His words were unsolicited. They were undeserved. 

You haven't earned them.

"Wait!" you call out, reaching for your door and sliding it back open. Steve - already almost down the hall - turns on his heel. He cocks his head, and watches with a curious stare as you take a few hesitant steps toward him. "You're wrong," you say, voice skipping across the marble floors filling the space between you. "I do have something to prove."

Steve's blue eyes flicker in confusion, but he stays quiet as you speak.

"I'm not an Avenger," you say. "But you train me like one. I'm not a friend. But you offer me advice like I am one. And I'm...I'm not family. But-," your voice wavers as you choke back emotion. "But you look out for me like maybe one day I might be," you say. "And I haven't done anything to earn that."

"Y/n," Steve says. "You don't have to-," you hold up a hand and Steve falls silent.

"I have to prove that I deserve all that," you interrupt firmly. "I have to prove I'm not just some...broken experiment. I'm more than that, Steve. I'm more than this one job. Than this one mission. HYDRA didn't think I could be, but...I can be more."

You fall silent, chest heaving in short, shallow pants as embarrassment catches up with you. Your cheeks start to warm as you realize what a ridiculous scene you've just caused. But before you can grow too mortified, Steve offers you an understanding smile.

"I filled out a questionnaire," he says.

You stare at him blankly. Confused. But Steve just laughs and shakes his head.

"That's how I got picked to be Captain America," he grins. "I volunteered for a secret project and then filled out a questionnaire. Twenty-six checkboxes later and they shoved me in a tube. I came out like this," he says, gesturing down at his body. "Then all of a sudden I was being handed things left and right that I didn't earn."

You take a moment to process, but find yourself scoffing at his ridiculous assertion. "Are you kidding?" you say. "If my middle school history text book was accurate, Steve, you jumped on a grenade."

"Oh sweet Mary and Joseph," Steve mumbles beneath his breath, rolling his eyes. "That's not...I didn't...well, I did, but that's not what I'm...okay, look," Steve stops, taking a breath and collecting himself. "You stayed."

"I'm sorry?" you question.

"You stayed, Y/n," Steve says. "You said you haven't proven yourself, but when you lost your friend, you stayed here to deal with the fallout when you could have walked away to grieve. Or to do anything else that didn't remind you of what you had lost. But you didn't. You stayed. That wasn't easy. I know...I've been there."

"But Steve," you argue. "That wasn't-,"

"And then," Steve continues, talking over your objection. "You never hesitated - not for a second - to face what could have been a dangerous situation. And you didn't hesitate because you knew it had to be done. Because it was the right thing to do. That's why you have nothing to prove. You've already done it. And I'd say it shows that you're a heck of a lot more than that three-page file SHIELD sent our way."

You gawk at Steve, who offers you a warm, but almost sad, smile.

"Listen," he says, reaching for the back of his neck as his tone turns almost shy. "I think you're pretty tough. Sure, you've got room to grow. But, if you think you can handle Loki, then I believe you. Just...don't hesitate to ask us for help if you need it."

At a loss for words, you simply watch Steve as he starts heading once more toward the kitchen. But he hesitates before disappearing around the corner, taking one final glance back.

"You're not just an experiment," he says. "S'pecially not a broken one." You inhale sharply, tears pricking like needles around your eyes. "It's easy to pretend to be what people call us," Steve sighs. "Doesn't mean that's who we are. The people who matter will be able to see that."

Your stomach twists as Steve gives you a final smile and disappears into the kitchen. You swallow the lump in your throat and retreat into your quarters as Steve's words echo in your head. And you realize with stunning clarity that he's right. 

And not just about you.

From the beginning you've only been told one thing about Loki - that he's hellbent on domination. That he's dangerous. That he can't be trusted.

Maybe that's all anyone has ever told him, too.

Maybe those feelings of loneliness, isolation, and betrayal that you had sensed inside him mean there's more to his story than people say. And maybe that unexpected flash of memory - of that long, golden hair and kind blue eyes - points to a softer, kinder past. A past long before he was told just how cruel and deceitful he was.

I was wrong, you think. Kindness will work. It's the only thing that will work. 

Inexplicably relieved, you resign yourself to trying again tomorrow...and praying that Steve doesn't tell Tony you had been up in the tower by yourself.