Desirable (mxm)

five; in circles

"I will," his voice cracks. "I promise I will. Whatever you need."

My lips part to draw in a breath because my head has started to feel a little lightheaded and this is all too much for me. His scent, his voice, his goddamn perfect face. I don't look back as I walk through the trees and head straight home without turning back to Milo.

When I walk through the front doors of my own pack house, I forced myself on the journey not to start overthinking things otherwise I'll start spiralling. This was a start, even though I barely saw him for thirty minutes, it's psyching myself up to be in his presence.

I already know that I don't want to turn him away and say that I never want him in my life, as much as I want to be strong and independent like that, I know I'll regret it in the future and I'll never live it down. Not if I die from heartbreak first, I've heard plenty of stories like it and the idea shatters my soul to pieces.

Luckily my father isn't anywhere to be seen, most likely with the Alpha. I head straight to my bedroom and flop myself down onto the bed. Soon Viola pushes her way into the room without knocking, I don't even shout at her. I feel beyond deflated.

Viola perches on the edge of my bed and I stare up into her dark eyes, blonde hair now swept out of her face with a neon green clip. "How was your day?"

"Dad's been on my case," I mutter and roll over.

She frowns at the dead tone of my voice. I start to pick at the corner of my duvet cover, somehow severely interested in a lone piece of string that hangs from the edge.

"And what else happened?"

I push out a heavy sigh and meet my sister's gaze. "I went to see Milo."

"Thought so."

"You thought so?"

"You left without saying anything and I knew that's where you probably went," she offers me a half smile before pulling her other leg up onto the sofa, sitting cross legged behind me. "What happened?"

I press my head into the small square pillow that Viola bought me for Christmas, full with duck feathers and is the most comfortable thing in the world. "Uneventful to be honest."

"Did you ask him to explain?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

I close my eyes and wish I could ignore this right now. "Viola, please."

"Did he upset you again?"

"No," I crack open one eye. "He didn't. It was just too much for me."

"Does he seem sincere with how he feels?"

I ponder for a second, the look in Milo's eyes and the tone of his voice, it sounded and looked like he was sorry for what happened and the story about not thinking a matebond would feel like this.

"I guess," I admit.

"Then is it not worth a go if he apologises?"

"What if I can't trust him?"

Viola stays silent for a few moments and I glance up at her. She has her hands together in her lap and she smiles. "It's something that you need to figure out between you but if you push him away, push this away, you might never get your mate, Nate. I know you're upset but without your mate, life will be different."

I groan internally. "Please. Don't remind me, Viola. I've been trying to tell myself that I won't end up in a ditch because I'm heartbroken."

She grimaces at my choice of words. "No need to be so damn morbid. It won't ever come to that but I will not let it."

"What if I'm not good enough?"

"Nate," she sighs deeply. "Not this again."

I push myself up and lean back into the headboard instead. "Not what? Not be insecure? You of all people know that I cannot turn this shit off Vi, it fucking destroys me and now all these thoughts have come floating back."

She shuffles closer and leans against the headboard with me, dipping her knee against mine and it gives me a shimmer of comfort. "You are one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Your issues with your low self-esteem will forever make me feel like the worst sister."

"It's not your fault that I think so low of myself."

"No," she shakes her head. "But I want to help you to think the best of yourself, because you are. To me you are amazing and I'd be nothing without you."

I turn to face her and she's already beaming at me with sorrow in her eyes. "I don't think my years of therapy have ever done anything but make me think more about how better I can be. Self love is a myth."

Viola's lips twitch downwards. "I wish you could see you how I see you."

"Me too," I admit. "I'm sick of seeing myself like this. This way."

She drops her head to my shoulder. "I'm still praying this works out," she whispers.

I snort to myself silently. "I'm glad you're praying because the Moon Goddess has already allowed this to happen to me, I don't think she's got much help for me left."

"A little positive thinking goes a long way."

"You sound like my therapist."

"Ah, so you do listen to him?"

I roll my eyes. "Let's stop talking about this. Let's watch something instead, I need to focus on anything that isn't my thoughts."

"What do you want to watch?"

"Something funny," I nod once. "Something that will have me doubling over with laughter."

"Alright," Viola pushes herself up and reaches for my laptop. "I'll try my best."

I watch as my sister scrolls through pages of movies, all to make me feel better. If I have one good person in my life, it's Viola. If no one else, at least I have her.

♥ ♥ ♥

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Author's Note

Oh man. That conversation didn't go as well as planned🥺😫

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