A Ghost Encounter: My Time with Simon "Ghost" Riley

Part Fifty-Six: Goodbye

"Why not?" I mirror his tone.

He stays silent.

"Simon, please. If you know I leave tomorrow then why avoid me?" I throw my hands up.

"That's exactly why!" Ghost's chest is rising and falling quickly. He might be on the brink of panic. "You're. Leaving."

"So? Wouldn't you want to spend as much time as possible with me before I leave?" I retort.

"No." He shifts his gaze to the trees.

"Oh, don't chicken out on me, big boy." I mock, my eyes showing all my rage. "Why not?"

"I told you why," he growls, also growing angry.

"No, not really. Tell me exactly why. Tell me what you're feeling," I plead.

He clenches his fists and shakes his head angrily.

"I should have never gotten attached to you. We knew this day would come..." Ghost sighs.

He's attached to me which means I have a chance to make this work.

"We did," I swallow, holding back the tears. "But why does it have to end? Why push me away?"

"Don't act so fucking naive, sweetheart," he hisses. "There is no 'us' after this."

Ghost throws his hands up in a duh manner, his defeat palpable.

"Being a Task Force member means constantly being preoccupied with missions. Let's not pretend that you won't be busy either. It won't work," he says matter-of-factly.

"And you've always known this?" I cross my arms tightly across my chest.

"Yes," he deadpans.

"Then why keep it going? You've pushed me away multiple times but you always decide to come back. Why?" I raise my tone of voice as I grow emotional.

"Because I'm a fucking idiot! I'm not a good person, Breanna. I'm selfish. I love you and I wanted to capitalize on that love." His voice breaks.

"Then keep doing that! Capitalize on me. Hell, use me! I want you to use me if it means we can love each other!" I cry.

God, what am I saying...

"You're leaving me!" he cries out, his voice breaking.

You're leaving me.

Ghost turns his head out of my view to discretely wipe his tears.

"I've gotten permission to stay and officially join Task Force 141 for good," I break the news.

I see Ghost's body tense up and freeze. He slowly turns his head to face me again.

"What?" he asks, shocked.

"Price informed me this morning. That's why I came to find you. Captain Winters agreed with the transfer," I tell him.

"That's-"

I cut him off.

"But I haven't decided yet," I pause. "Do you want me to stay?"

Ghost stands there dumbfounded.

I let out a deep sigh.

"Do you want me to stay? Do you want to be with me, Simon?" I throw my hands up in frustration. "And I mean actually be with me. Like, everyone will know that we're together. You and I will make plans for the future, whatever that looks like..."

He's still frozen.

"If I stay, if I become an official member, can you commit to me? No, will you commit to me?" My voice wobbles, tears falling down my cheeks.

Although he's wearing his balaclava I can see the glossiness of his eyes, water welling.

"I need to know, Simon, because if you can't then I can't stay here," I sniffle.

His breath hitches and he grows more alert.

"I more than just love you. I'm deeply in love with you, Simon. And I know that's stupid. I know we shouldn't have gotten so close but it's too late now. I love everything about you, even the things I can't stand, and so I can't face you every day knowing you don't want me for the long haul, knowing you don't love me the same way I love you." I pause, taking a steadying breath. "I love everyone in the Task Force but this comes down to you, to us. Are we in this together?"

Ghost's eyes are only showing me fear. He hasn't said a word. I have no idea what's on his mind.

"Simon?" I plead.

He stays silent and his silence is starting to sound a lot like no.

I feel a lump in my throat.

Love is not something I thought I deserved. Love is not something I thought was made for people like me. I shouldn't have fallen so hard...

What a fucking idiot I am.

People only use me and then ditch me when my usefulness expires. I should have known this would apply here too.

But I wanted it to work.

Damnit! I wanted this to work so badly.

Why? Why can't I have this one fucking thing, huh? Why can't I be happy?

"Goodbye, Simon." I storm off.

He doesn't stop me. He doesn't follow me.

I hold back tears and put on a brave face as I roam the base and make my way to my room.

I pass Gaz, give a quick greeting, and enter my room. Immediately I fall to my knees and sob.

He's all I want and I can't have him.

I can't stay here. I'll tell Captain Price that I reject the offer and I'll go back with Captain Winters and my original team.

An idea pops into my mind: I'll leave tonight.

All my stuff is packed. I'm supposed to leave at 5:00 AM tomorrow which means I'd have to be at the airport by 3:30 AM anyway.

The clock reads 4:17 PM.

I'll leave for the airport at 7:00 PM—probably get there around 7:45 PM—and just wait until it's time to leave.

I can't say official goodbyes. I can't see him again. I can't be here right now.

I'll call Price when I get to the airport tonight and let him know.

Only him.

When I get back to my base I'll forget all about 141 and Ghost and things will go back to normal, just how I like it.