Abhiram and Avantika Gandhi were a happily married couple. Yes, it had been an arranged marriage, but they had fallen for each other over the time - deeply, madly, immensely. Six years into their marriage with their cutest little three year old baby...
"Had you ever been that angry or upset or even disappointed with me before that incident Abhiram?", Avi asked me all of a sudden. We had been done with our lunch amidst a peaceful and comfortable silence and some small talk here and there.
"Never Avi. You know that. We never even had any arguments or disagreements of that gravity ever.", I shook my head.
"That's the thing right, my love? Prior to that incident, I used to take pride in the communication we had amongst each other - sorted, respectful, mature and with the only intention to resolve our issue at hand. Yet, I was the one to block any chance of communication in the aftermath.", I glanced at her, a sad smile on my face.
She nodded in understanding.
"I tried my best Abhi, but after a certain period of time, even if the person in front of you is your loved one, and even if you know that person really well, some things just stop working. I gave up making attempts for communication after you shut me out all of those times. Honestly, it had never happened before, that we kept ruminating on the same issue for such a long period."
I felt a pinch in my heart at her painful words.
"I know you are not to blame completely - I mean, Kinjal kept on manipulating you with her cries and emotional words and painful memories - I know that now, but that period", she turned to face me, looking at me in the eye, "it was so painful, so much hurtful for me. Not having the person you share your whole life with, with you, not being able to speak with that person, to vent out, to simply have their support with you - goodness, its so very difficult Abhiram."
"I am to blame Avi. Kinjal did manipulate me, but only because she must have noticed me getting manipulated. Avi, it pains me so much to even think of what you were going through. I was able to vent my pain through anger, through my cold behaviour with me, but you kept all of that within yourself. I cannot even imagine the mental stress I put you through, but trust me, my love, and yes, I am not making any excuses. I missed you so much during that entire period. As much as I was able to share my grief about the situation with mummy, or as much as I bonded with Kinjal over her grief, I could never express myself in front of them as I do in front of you. I had those emotions trapped within my mind for such a long period."
I took a sip of water from the bottle, else the lump in my throat would have made it impossible for me to speak.
"I missed us so much Avi.That time, being under the notion of being betrayed by you", I let out a wry chuckle, "even speaking of these words makes me sick. Me - being betrayed by you? What a joke? But I had made a cocoon of 'why you did this with me Avi?' around me, and had been indulged in my pity party. Sounds like such an excuse now right Avi?", I glanced at her.
Her pupils were dilated and she glanced at me with furrowed eyebrows.
"I won't say that you are making excuses Abhi, because I know you won't do that, and you also know that I cannot ever invalidate your feelings. Thinking about this now, I do understand your state of mind during that period. The grief of your sister, and the feeling of being betrayed by your wife - I can understand how it feels to be betrayed by the person you love the most."
She took a pause and a deep breath, perhaps to compose her agitated self.
"But one thing I cannot understand - I accept that you were angry in that situation, furious even, but even without communicating with me, knowing my side of the story, I do not understand why you jumped onto conclusions. And you persisted with your stance for that a long period of six months. As much as I validate your feelings after that incident, you cannot justify your attitude for those six months.", her voice turned stern towards the end.
"And neither will I try to justify it Avi, nor will I make any excuse for it. Not only should have I spoken with you and heard your side of the story as your partner, but as a fair person with a reasonable sense of understanding, I must have thought rationally of that situation from your perspective. I should have believed in my basic intuition of my Avi not being capable of anything remotely malicious."
We both were silent after that.
That was the truth right? I should have done a lot of things, I ought to have done those. There are a lot of what ifs in my mind now - what if I had been a bit rational, what if instead of misunderstanding I had shown a little bit of trust in my love, what if I had caught onto Kinjal's intentions before, what if the angst of those six months just vanished. Where all of these what ifs would have concluded in favourable conditions, the present circumstances were in a stark contrast with them.
"I can practically see the wheels turning in your head Abhi. You know what, stop dwelling on those what ifs. Lets find the reason, the main reason behind your behaviour, because that's what matters now. Neither can you change the past, nor can I, as much as we want to."
I glanced at her. She was staring at a dark blue wildflower growing alongside, swaying with the cool breeze, gleeful on its own. I plucked some seven or eight vibrant flowers - all of different hues, and a grass blade to tie them together. I caressed that little bouquet with a smile, and handed it over to Avi who quickly took it. She had a soft smile on her face as she took in those vivid shades.
"I will not dwell on those what ifs Avi, but I will glance into the past. One - to find the reason, two - to remind myself of the way I hurt you and to never do it, rather even think of doing it ever again, and three - to remind myself of how close I had come to losing you. I do not know when I will be able to find the answer to our question, but I know one thing for sure, my love, no matter how long it takes, I will find the reason behind this pain, this angst.", I promised her.
"Do you want me to forgive you?", her stare was earnest.
"Only after I have earned your forgiveness.", my words were honest.
I saw a gentle smile on her face at my words.
As we saw the sun setting into the distance, the crimson skies giving in way to the indigo of the evening, the weird cacophony of the birds and the rustling tree leaves did not perturb me. If only, it gave me the hopes of better times to come our way.
This is how Avi and Abhi looked like for the date
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