A Ghost Encounter: My Time with Simon "Ghost" Riley

Part Seventy-Eight: Tête-à-tête

"Why else are you angry?" I ponder.

"Because I lost my friend. Because I never took the time to be a better friend to him," he whispers shamefully.

I didn't expect him to respond that quickly, like the words were begging to be spoken.

I suppose he's trying to open up now.

"He loved you..." I place my hand gently on his thigh. "For exactly who you are."

Simon looks at me with glossy eyes. I reach to take his mask off but he grabs my wrist and stops me.

He shakes his head to reject my movement. Too vulnerable, I suppose.

I'll respect that.

"And you're sad?" I ask him.

He simply nods his head to confirm.

"Why?" The answer may seem obvious but he needs to get the weight of grief off his chest.

I'll ask him obvious questions all night if it'll help him process.

"Because I'll never get to work with him again. Because I've lost another person I care about." His voice finally breaks and I can see the tears forming in his eyes.

"You have every right to be angry and sad," I say gently, trying to console him. "And you're still angry with me?" I ask carefully.

He shakes his head to say, No.

"Were you actually angry with me when you found out about my insubordination? Or were you just scared?"

His whole body tenses, the air around us incredibly thick.

Without saying a word he turns his body to face me and pulls me into an all-consuming hug.

"Of course, I was fucking scared." His body shakes against mine.

"I'm sorry," I finally admit, rubbing his back with comforting strokes. "I know I shouldn't have gone out into the line of fire. I know I should have followed my Captain's orders." Now I'm starting to cry. "But I was scared. I didn't want to lose Soap. I didn't want him to die alone. I thought maybe, just maybe, I could save him...I was stupid."

Simon pulls away from the hug and grasps my face between his hands.

"You are not stupid. Your efforts were not stupid. It was dangerous but not stupid. That's why I was angry," he confesses, shaking me as if to get the negative thoughts out of my head. "I understand."

He removes his hands from my face and now pulls his mask off. He leans in and kisses my forehead.

"When I heard what you did I was angry because I was scared. I'm still scared that you will continue to risk your life because you don't think your life is valuable." His voice is hoarse, his expression devastated.

My body tenses. It felt like he placed a hand around my heart and squeezed it tightly.

He's right. I don't think my life is valuable. I've always felt as though I was expendable: a tool for others to use and be discarded when I am no longer needed.

If anyone asked, I'd say yes, I did believe Soap's life was more valuable than mine. If I could have saved him, even at the sacrifice of myself, I would have.

And if I could go back in time and change what I did, I'd do the same thing all over again. Because although I couldn't save him, I was able to guide him through his final moments.

"I know I have things I need to work on." A muscle feathers in Simon's jaw. "But so do you. I need you to know that you matter. That you're important," he pleads earnestly.

I want to believe those things but I don't know how.

I nod my head. "I will try."

Simon brushes his thumb on my cheek and wipes my tears away.

"Don't be angry with Price," he pleads, trying to reason with me. "He feels the same way I do."

I know he does...

I nod my head in agreement, only because I know Price and I will talk about things later and eventually work things out.

"Please tell me you're not actually resigning," he says breathlessly, waiting for the ball to drop.

I shake my head and say earnestly and reassuringly,
"No, of course not. I said that because I was angry. I never meant that."

"Good." He lets out a sigh of relief.

Simon holds my gaze for a few moments and then his eyes focus on my mouth.

"I love you," he tells me.

"I love you, too."

Within seconds his lips meet mine. His kisses are slow and tender as he savors the taste of my mouth.

Simon pulls away from the kiss for a moment to push his seat back. He then motions for me to get on his lap, so I do.

I scurry my hands as I search for his belt in the dark. He does the same with me.

We made love in the driver seat of the truck, steaming up the windows, and shaking the car violently.

It had been too long since I'd seen Simon because of this mission. In all reality, not much time had passed but it felt like I lifetime since I had the opportunity to touch him.

When we were done making love, Simon opened up to me. About everything.

He told me about his abusive father and the things that man used to do to him. Simon then told me all about his brother and his habits.

Simon gave me the rundown of the all missions he's been on that left him a changed man.

He opened up about his nightmares, and how he's the most scared when he's alone with his thoughts. Truly, I had never related to him more.

But when Simon was done telling me about Manuel Roba my body was shaking and I was seeing red.

He told me about the interrogations, all the things that were done to him. When Simon disclosed that he was sexually assaulted during his interrogations I felt sick.

He struggled to talk about it. Simon would start his sentences and not be able to finish them. He'd stare blankly at his hands.

I made it clear that he didn't have to say more than he was ready to. And I think having that option—the permission to say no—is what gave him the courage to keep sharing his story.

Simon's entire family was murdered because of this monster, and then the murder was pinned on Simon, forcing him into becoming Ghost.

Why he wears his mask, it all makes sense now. I thought it was because he was shy and insecure, but really it's to hide his identity and vast amounts of pain.

I had to take a few deep breaths to calm down, and something about my outrage made Simon feel understood, and validated.

What made Simon decide to open up to me, I have no idea. But I'm so grateful he did.

I've never felt closer to Simon, or more in love.

So after being separated from him on this mission, I've decided I never want to be separated from him again.