a misty gashed aperture

the erratic flying of a butterfly

"I'll never know the answer to that."

"Really, huh?" Roseanne chuckled.

Lisa huffed. "The last thing I want is to ruminate things that didn't happen when I can't even remember what actually happened. All I know is it was supposed to be that way, and it has led me to you."

Internally, Roseanne struggled to contain the explosion of emotions and her whole being demanded only one thing. "If you want to start being honest with me, then tell me why you can't say it."

"Say what?" Lisa asked despite knowing what Roseanne meant.

"Or maybe you just don't. God, I'm so stupid." Roseanne covered her eyes with her hands, stepping back as she started crying.

"Don't say that."

Roseanne looked directly into Lisa's eyes. "D—Do you love me?" She saw Lisa open her mouth to speak but she quickly added, "I guess I shouldn't really be asking that in the first place if you do."

"..." Lisa lost her tongue.

"Or maybe that muse was the reason? Or—shit—did I say it too soon? Did I—"

"Chaeyoung, come here." Lisa held Roseanne in her arms.

Only not to be hugged back. Roseanne kept her balled fists to her chest as if it would get burned touching Lisa. Then she laid them flat on Lisa's chest to give it a light push. "Lisa, let me breathe." Knowing where Lisa kept her car key, she reached into the left pants pocket and unlocked the door. "And we really need to go."

***

The next couple of days passed without any real conversation between Lisa and Roseanne aside from 'Okays,' 'Home,' and 'Good nights.' And a bit of, 'No, I don't want to see you,' and 'Not today.' The talk about the muse was still hanging, so Lisa tried calling Roseanne several times, only to be left unanswered or rejected, followed by a text that the supermodel was busy. When Lisa texted she missed Roseanne so much, she was left on seen.

Before Lisa locked herself in the studio, she sent Roseanne a long message:

Chaeyoung, I know it's hard for you to process what I said but you need to listen to the rest of what I've got to say so you don't take it the wrong way. I don't think it's best to tell you this via text but you're leaving me no other choice.

Remember my nightmares? They weren't nightmares. I was having flashbacks and every piece of that void was slowly returning. I want to tell you everything but I'm still processing them myself.

I need you beside me as I go through this.

You may resent me by now (I hope you don't...) cos I can't say it back, but I don't want to say it just for the sake of saying it. I will say it once I know that the past no longer has a hold on me. I can't be fully present cos of it.

I want to say it so badly... Just be patient with me.

Chaeyoung, you're the one I love.

Roseanne was in the middle of a brand interview when she received the text message. She was the one who called 'cut' and requested for a 10-minute break. She excused herself to go outside the studio, out in the backyard with a cigarette in hand. She read the last line over and over and her heart turned fuzzy and soft.