Where We Go | Book Three

3. Still Not Dead

I attempted a smile. "Technically, EDIN doesn't exist anymore so you're unemployed like the rest of us now."

"Ouch, Em," she winced, holding her stomach. "You sound like my sister being that negative."

"Sorry."

Her hand grazed the back of my neck and she flinched. "Em, your neck... Are you burning up?" She paused, like a frozen computer screen. I could almost hear the thoughts in her head, turning like cogs inside of a clock.

I shrugged her off, helping her inside the truck. "I feel fine," I lied again. "Don't worry about me."

I released my grip from her as she slid into the seat, instantly relaxing into the dark leather. Chris had already taken his place in the middle with Sophia perched on his lap fast asleep. Even from the short distance, my clothes were soaked from the rain and my face felt as if I'd been plunged into an icy cold pool.

"How are you feeling?" Chris asked quietly, his voice barely heard over the storm.

I pulled Julia's seatbelt across her body as she answered, "I will reply to your question with a very honest answer, Chris. It feels like I've been shot."

He stifled a smile. "Sarcasm is a good sign."

"Like I told you, I don't plan on dying here."

On the drive, there was a thick air of uncertainty that no one wanted to acknowledge. We were all no strangers to travelling, but now, we were doing it alone. No backup plan, no Carnelian, no home. Anxiety flooded my body and sweat built in my palms. I was 18 again and back in my flat. Nowhere to go except anywhere that was away from the Infected. That same fear crowded me, pressing down against my chest.

I longed for stability, even dreamt of it. To be able to stay in one place and call it home for longer than a few weeks. Carnelian was the closest thing I'd had to it, but it wasn't enough. Everything it could've been was stolen away.

"How are you holding up?" Ben asked, noticing my silence.

I knew he was still blaming himself for everything that happened. I saw it in his face, in his eyes that softened when he looked at me. Only, I didn't have the capacity to feel sorry for him anymore. I couldn't let myself fall any further than I already was.

"I'm fine," I said again.

A few miles in everyone else had fallen asleep in the back seat, all except for Pilot who stared out the window, his body sandwiched between the door and Chris who leant into his shoulder. I hadn't said a word and had barely moved my body since we first got in the truck. I knew Ben had noticed. His wary glances weren't subtle, and neither was the way his free hand rested against my leg. The touch wasn't for me. It was simply to reassure himself I was still there.

"I wish they'd left a note," he said, breaking the silence.

Only the low rumbling of the engine had consumed us for the past hour, the occasional passing guttural scream of an Infected outside joining in the song.

"They had no time," I replied. "Will trusts you to be able to find them."

He readjusted his grip on the wheel. "You think so?"

"We have to," I mumbled, intertwining my fingers in my lap.

"I want my home back," he broke. "I want to believe they're still alive."

Looking over, his profile was as I remembered. The sharp line of his jaw led into his dark hair. The small scars that dotted his chin that I still didn't know the story for. Maybe one day I would. If we had a future.

My stare shifted from his face to my lap where my fingers still twisted around themselves. He looked over at me for a moment before returning his attention to the road. It was only for a second but I caught the look he gave me. The way his brows furrowed a little and the small pause before he looked back.

"What are you thinking?" he whispered.

I hesitated, my chest tightening. There was a lot I was thinking, but none I wanted to voice. I was fighting to put the pieces of myself back together, but my hands were bleeding, and the pieces were too broken. And I knew that wasn't the answer he wanted to hear.

"I don't know," I answered. "This is all a lot to come back to... I don't know what's happened to me. I don't-"

I swallowed and my breath caught in my throat. My chest was tightening, and my heart clenching like a fist was closing around it.

"Em?" Ben's voice was distant. "Em?'

The truck slowed, but I still trembled as the engine purred beneath us.

"What's happening?" someone asked.

"I don't fucking know!" The passenger door swung open and Ben was there, eyes wide and face pained. "Shit. Shit. Shit," he mumbled.

Every muscle in my body seemed to tense at once like my body fighting itself. My head dropped like a weight and my limbs had never felt so heavy. The darkness continued to circle my vision, the road closing in front of us like we were entering a tunnel.

My body was convulsing, darkness surrounding me and tempting me in. My toes were at the edge of a dark, rippling pool. It was cool on my skin and the opposite of the fire that burned within me, searing my veins. I wanted to jump. So desperately, I wanted to jump. It would be easy for that water to drown me and fill my lungs, to carry me to whatever was next.

"Em, stay-," the voice was close, echoing in the sky above the silky water. "Please."