Finding Forever

Chapter 17

She studies me for a moment. "Please do not freak out when I tell you this."

"What?"

"You're an artistic genius and one of the coolest people I know, but you have no idea how to be in a real relationship."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You have this invisible wall protecting you from giving yourself to someone completely. And I know your parents' dysfunction and their divorce have somehow jaded you from believing there is someone out there who isn't going hurt and leave you. And God, don't even get me started on Ryan...he's so busy denying his real feelings for you that he bores himself with bimbos only to turn to you when he needs real companionship."

I take a sip from my water glass, and I feel the wheels in my head spinning from everything Maisie just told me. Her words completely terrify me. 

I drop my head into my hands. "Ugh. I made a real mess of things. Why did I have to sleep with Ryan? Why couldn't I do the normal thing and sleep with Liam? I am a disaster."

"I'm guessing you slept with Ryan because you deep down like him.  As more than a friend."

"God, that sounds so juvenile," I wince. 

"Well, do you?"

I shake my head. "No," I pause and bite down on my bottom lip. "At least I didn't think I did."

She quirks an eyebrow. "Do you think you two can slip back to normal? Like nothing happened?"

"Yes. That's exactly what I'm banking on."

"Ella, that's probably not – "

"I'm sorry, I really can't talk about this anymore," I tell her because I can't. Someone must be sucking all the oxygen from this aircraft. I can't breathe. "I think I just need to close my eyes and nap. And when I wake up, we both need to forget we ever had this conversation."

She eyes me skeptically. "I think you're making a huge mistake."

My breath catches in my throat, and I turn slowly, "Clearly, I've already made a huge mistake. Why not add another to the list."  

As I lay in bed the following weekend, I think about Ryan too much and differently. He hasn't called, texted, or come by my apartment like usual. I've purposely avoided him because I needed space and clarity in my thoughts. It's been a tough week without reaching out to him. We've never gone twenty-four hours without some form of contact, never mind an entire week. 

It's like I'm detoxing.

And somehow, I've survived. I tell myself I need a few more days of space from Ryan before he's out of my system for good this time. Once that happens, I can move on with my life and try to salvage what's left of our friendship, if anything.

I do my best to stay busy at the apartment with school work, painting, and hanging out with Maisie, but when I'm left alone, I feel myself reaching for my cell phone, wanting to send him a quick text or call.

But I also can't just reach out to him willy-nilly. Things are different now, and I need to take precautions before I see him again.

First, I will no longer be left alone with him. The two of us lost all privileges of one-on-one time when I stupidly slept with him – repeatedly. He's too convincing, smooth, and good-looking to be left alone with unsupervised. Second: no more fantasizing about him, ever. That means no more reliving our sexual encounters, no more fantasizing about new ones with him, and no more picturing him naked or with any of my body parts coming in contact with any of his. So far, I am confident I can stick to my plan. And I can and will forgive him for being an epic douchebag. I also can and will let go of my humiliation and move on.