Finding Forever

Chapter 17

Maisie leaves around three o'clock to head to Jayce's, asking me again if I want to come out with them, to which I once again tell her no. I start my night by painting in the kitchen, listening to music, and ordering takeout. As the night rolls on, I find myself in the living room watching lame horror movies. Something me and Ryan would have done to help cheer me up. The cornier the movie, the better. My mind unwillingly drifts off to Ryan and how much I miss him and maybe even how much I like him as more than a friend.

This realization causes my chest to twist tightly, painfully.

Was Maisie right? Do I have feelings for Ryan?

Maybe I've gone mad. Or maybe my father's bullshit wedding invitation made me realize I never wanted to be like him. I never want to be emotionally unavailable like he was with my mother and continues to be with his fiancé and even with me. I want to be honest with my feelings. And I think I honestly have feelings for Ryan.

He's the only person I want to console me when I am upset. He's the only person I could ever imagine waking up to and falling asleep beside every night. I want to see him wear his ugly Yoda t-shirt. And I want to be the only person he challenges to a game of rock toss. And most importantly, I want him in my life. Every single aspect of Ryan. Not just certain parts of him. All of him.

Reacting impulsively, I toss my hair into a messy bun, grab my jacket from a hook in the entryway, and slide it on. I need to tell him. And I need to tell him now. I pull open the front door and run down two flights of stairs, determined to confess my feelings. To tell him he was wrong. What we did wasn't a mistake and I want it to happen again. Except this time, I want to be with him as more than friends. Exclusively, no bullshit. My entire body is vibrating with fortitude. I am seriously going to do this. I am going to tell him how I feel.

I round the corner and push open the double doors, stepping outside onto the sidewalk in pursuit of the bar Maisie said they were going to, Royal Shots. The sky is dark, and the air is cool. The streets are noisy and busy with traffic, but my heart thumps in my ears and drowns out everything else. I realize I must look like a mess, in baggy sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, a pair of flip flops on my feet, no makeup and messy hair, but I don't care.

Within minutes, I find myself pulling open the doors of Royal Shots. Pop music pumps through the speakers as I push through the swarm of people drinking and dancing to the music. My eyes dart in every which way, scanning the crowd for Ryan and my friends. A few people glance down at me skeptically, probably wondering what the hell I'm doing in a place like this, dressed like a hobo on a Saturday night. But once again, I don't care. I see Maisie, Jayce and Kale sitting at a table a few feet away. I take a deep and steadying breath, walking with purpose. 

As I round a corner, I bump into something warm and strong. I look up to see Ryan, pressed against the bar with Alodie's arms wrapped around his neck, pressing up on her tippy-toes to lean in for a kiss.

When his eyes lock with mine, all the blood drains from his face. Goosebumps rise along my skin. My breath catches in my throat as I stare at him. His face is worn, and he's dressed in a black t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers, and his hair is tussled in a way that screams Alodie's fingers have already been through it. A sharp jab of jealousy presses into my chest.

"Jonesy, what are you doing here?" he asks, moving away from Alodie. She glances over at me, finally acknowledging my presence.

"Hey, Ella," she says, all bubbly-like. She gives me a quick once-over. "Are you okay? Why are you dressed like that?" she asks.

I swallow hard to find my voice and glare at her. Confusion twists like a tornado on my face. What the fuck is happening? Are they back together?