if only we had made it

Autumn

Finny laughs. 

His hand is on my head the other around my waist and he laughs. 

"Did you miss me that much in the 15 minutes I was gone to shower?" He asks amusement lacing his voice.

I nod, unable to conjure the right words for what I'm feeling. 

Relief would be an understatement, and joy not nearly meaningful enough. 

"Hey," He says, placing his hand beneath my chin and raising my face just enough so he could place a kiss on the tip of my nose. "What's got you shaking like this?" 

Im shaking? 

I hadn't even realized. 

"It was just a dream," I say quietly, looking up at him. His blonde hair framed his face and his beautiful eyes stared back at me. 

He furrows his brows. "What was just a dream?"

"You-" I choke out before shaking my head. "-You left and never came back, I never saw you again, no one ever saw you again and you left me and I felt so alone. I tried going to you, I tried to be with you but they wouldn't let me, and Jack, oh god Jack. He was so sad and nothing was ever the same again."  Im a blubbering mess now. The damn broke and tears are flowing down my face. Big fat teardrops are flowing so quickly that they don't even have time to reach my chin before new ones break through my tear ducts. I look up at him my vision blurred as he wipes away as many tears as he can. "Finny you can't go," I tell him. "You can't go please don't go, please stay with me, please don't leave me. She can get a cab or she can call someone else, please Finny don't leave me. I can't live through it again, I can't live if it becomes true I can't be with you if you leave. I can't, I can't, I can't Finny I can't please don't do this to me." I plead and beg him.

"What, no autumn, no I'm not leaving you I promise, I'm never leaving you, I just got you, I'm never leaving. It's me and you remember." He says "I love you, why would I leave you?" His arm is gone from my waist, both hands now framing my face. He kisses me before kissing a tear rolling down my cheek, then another and another and another until his kisses are the only thing left peppered across my skin. 

He kisses my tears away. 

I push myself up sitting so I'm at eye level with him. "Please." I whisper "Please don't leave to get Sylvie, please let someone else get her."

He shakes his head "Autumn she doesn't have anyone else. I can't cancel at the last minute. I want it over, I want it to be just us I need it to be just us I have to end things with her so we can be together."

"No, no, no" I shake my head "You don't understand if you leave you won't come back, I'll never get to tell you I love you again. We would only have right now, it will all be gone, it would have all be for nothing all the pain all the joy all the memories it would all be for nothing."

He smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes. It's not a happy smile, more like a sad one but how can a smile be sad? He makes it so beautiful though. He makes everything beautiful.

 Even death, he made seem beautiful. 

"It's just us Autumn. Im not leaving you I promise. It's not all for nothing, this isn't it, we have so much more to do together, we have our whole lives ahead of us." 

I swallow.

He's not listening.

He's gonna leave.

He's gonna pick up Sylvie.

He's gonna leave and I'm gonna be alone, left to mourn us and what we could have had. 

It can't just be one day it can't be it.