First at Last (Updated Version)

Chapter Twenty-One

I sucked in a breath. "That is different. I did choose him—or I would have—but he . . ." The words stuck in my throat. "He didn't choose me."

Alice's eyes were like chips of ice in her pale face as she looked down at me. "So, you are the only one who is allowed to feel like you don't have a choice, is that it? The only one allowed to not get her way. But it's no excuse for me, is it?" They weren't questions, not really. "Erika, you are the biggest hypocrite I have ever known."

I stared at her, aghast. "What?"

Poppy stepped forward, looking between the two of us. "All right," she said, her voice firm, more the voice of a soldier than a girl. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but this is not helpful and both of you are being quite hurtful. It won't help anything at all."

My throat ached and I wanted to scream. I felt like I might be suffocated by my anger. I looked between the two of them again as tears gathered beneath my lashes. There was so much I still wanted to say. But none of it was good and all of it was born of anger. So, instead, I spun on my heel and hurried out of the garden as fast as I could, wiping at my eyes as I went.

#

I was still wiping at my eyes as I reached the hallway that led to Queen Alexia's chambers. I didn't want to cry and I did not want the others to see that I'd been crying. I didn't think I'd even be able to explain the reason behind my tears, as I was not quite sure of it myself.

Perhaps it was betrayal. Or hurt. Anger? I struggled to place the emotion that caused the tears, and yet, I could not get them to stop.

I pressed my palms against my eyes, willing them to dry, but it was no use. I took a shuddering breath, my shoulders heaving with repressed sobs.

"Erika?"

To my horror, the voice was William's.

I pulled my hands away from my eyes and found him walking down the hallway toward me, his eyes wide as they met my own.

"William," I said, my voice strained and thick with tears. "Where are you off to?"

"You and your sister had been gone for some time and Mother asked me to fetch you." He stopped walking when he stood right before me, close enough that I could smell the usual soap-and-citrus smell of him. Even just that bit of familiarity sent a spike of longing through me and a fresh wave of tears poured down my cheeks, to my dismay.

"Erika, what happened? Are you all right?" He put one hand on my shoulder, the other coming up to rest against the side of my face. His hands were warm against my skin.

"Would you believe it's allergies?" I tried, most unconvincingly.

He did not reply. Instead, he removed the hand from my shoulder and caught my own hand in it. He pulled me a little further down the hallway before turning the corner abruptly into a quieter, less public corridor

He turned to face me again, his hand still holding fast to mine. "Erika," he said again, more gently. "What happened?"

I took a shaking breath and used my free hand to wipe at my eyes again. "It shouldn't matter to you. We are not together anymore. You have no obligation to ask after my welfare."

A look of hurt flashed in his eyes, though it faded so quickly I almost wondered if I'd imagined it. "It is not duty that has me asking after to you. It is genuine concern. I want to know if you are all right. I still care about you quite a lot."

He brought his hand up to brush the tears away from my eyes. His touch was so gentle, so kind and sweet. I wanted so badly to tell him why I was upset. But it would expose Alice and I could not do that to her, despite her hurtful words earlier.