First at Last (Updated Version)

Chapter Twenty-One

"This is hard for me, you know," I said, my voice trembling as I attempted to speak through my tears. "Being here, so close to you, watching our mothers plan a wedding that isn't ours," I blinked furiously as more tears formed in my eyes. While this was merely an excuse and not the real reason I was crying, it proved to hold more truth than I wished to admit.

His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed and his hand dropped from my cheek. My face felt suddenly cold. "I'm sorry, Erika. I've felt it too. It's been difficult, not even being able to talk to you. I wish—" he took a shaking breath before continuing. "I wish it could be us."

Why can't it be? I wanted to ask that of him. I wanted to tell him again that it did not have to be him and Alice. But he genuinely believed he did not have a choice and that would not change. Another wave of tears spilled from my eyes and I cursed our hopeless situation, that we might never be together.

"It's not fair," I didn't mean to say it, but the words slipped out before I could stop them.

"It isn't fair," his voice was soft, gentle.

I do not know how it happened, but, in the next moment, we were kissing. His arms slid around my waist, pulling me tightly against him, and I knotted my hands in his hair, fitting his lips more tightly against mine.

My breath came out in a sharp gasp as I fully realized what I was doing and that it was wrong. And yet, I could not make myself pull away. I didn't want to.

I was not sure how long we stood in the darkened corridor, out of sight, kissing as though we never would again, which was very likely true, but, I knew it could not last forever. It shouldn't have happened at all, really.

It took almost more willpower than I possessed to pull away. When, I stepped back, William's eyes were wide, his face flushed and his hair mussed. He was so beautiful it almost hurt to look at him.

"Erika," he said slowly, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to . . . er . . ."

I wanted to kiss him again, so badly, instead, I took another step back, creating an even wider gap between us. "It was partly my fault, as well. I'm—sorry, too. But it should not have happened and it cannot happen again."

He nodded, ducking his head, dark hair falling into his eyes. "Right, of course."

"Goodbye, William," I said, my voice breaking slightly on his name. My face burning, I ducked my head and hurried back down the corridor, my heart still pounding rapidly in my chest.

#

I returned to Queen Alexia's private chambers and found her and Mother still talking at the oak table. Upon my entering, their talking ceased and Mother turned to me, eyes narrowed.

"Erika," she said, sharply enough that I flinched. "Where have you been? And where is Alice? She was supposed to be with you."

"Apologies, Mother," I said, ducking my head as I hurried into the room. "I went for a walk and got lost. I do not know where Alice is."

"You got lost?" Mother asked dubiously.

"It's very plausible, really," the queen said, looking at me and then at Mother. "This palace is like a maze. Very easy to get lost in."

"Well, perhaps if you were better at paying attention, you could have prevented that."

I could not even bring myself to feel hurt at her remark. I was so tired. "Perhaps," I replied. I took my seat over by the window which overlooked the gardens, and picked up my book.

Some time later, William returned, followed by Alice. My eyes met his briefly, but I quickly averted my gaze, my face warming. Alice's cheeks were flushed, her eyes red, and she looked like she might have been crying. She blinked rapidly, however, and the look was gone in a moment. She smiled at mother and Queen Alexia, curtsying as she did so. "I apologize for my late return."