First at Last (Updated Version)

Chapter Twenty-Two

Blood rushed so loudly in my ears that I almost could not hear the rest of her sentence. "You cannot mean it, Mother, you know how I feel about him." I hated the way my voice trembled, the pleading edge to it.

The hint of a smile vanished from her face in a flash. "I do mean it," she said, her voice like ice. "You have to understand that you cannot be with him. You and the prince were never meant for each other, Erika, and I want you to understand that. I hoped this would drive the message home."

My breath hitched in my throat as Mother looked across the table at me. And I saw it in her eyes. Or perhaps I had always seen it in her eyes, but now, I could name it. Hatred. She hated me. With everything in her.

"Why?" I asked, my voice steadier than I would have expected after such a blow. "Why does my suffering please you so much? What do you get out of it?"

She narrowed her eyes at me. "Darling, it pains me to see you suffer, of course. You are my daughter. But sometimes, that is the only way I can make you understand. I cannot help that."

I shook my head so hard that a few pieces of hair fell out of my knot. "No, that isn't it. There's more to it than that. What have I do to you that could cause you to hate me so? What could I have done to never be enough?"

Mother's face remained carefully neutral, but her gray eyes were watchful, calculating. "You have always been enough, Erika," she said in a maddeningly calm voice. "I could never hate my own daughter."

"Then why do you treat me the way you do? If Alice and I were truly equal in your eyes then why could I not rule? If we were truly equal, why could I not marry the prince?"

"Because you cannot! I have worked for years to arrange the marriage between Prince William and Alice. It was never meant for you!"

"But why?"

"Because you are not Alice! I want that life for Alice, not you."

I stilled, my heart stuttering in my chest. "I see," I said slowly. I swallowed, but my mouth felt dry. "Why Alice, Mother? Why only Alice?"

Mother exhaled and she seemed to deflate in her chair when she did. "You and Alice . . . you are different. But, perhaps, not in the way you'd expect." She hesitated for a long moment, seeming to debate something, before she continued. "Before I met your father, I was in love." It took me a long moment to comprehend that. It seemed rather hard to believe, honestly. "Julian was the son of the baker in the town where I grew up. He was a wonderful, beautiful man, and I loved him more than anything."

I waited with baited breath for her to continue, and, after a moment, she did.

"I was going to marry your father, Richard. That was the arrangement that was made between our parents when I was sixteen years old. And yet, at the time, I could not have imagined it. I was in love with Julian and when I thought about my future, it was him I saw it with, not your father. I was angry when I discovered I would not be given a choice in the matter, so, in a very stupid act of rebellion, I . . . laid with Julian. When I found out I was with child, my marriage to Richard was finalized rather quickly so that . . . well, I'm sure you can imagine why. My reputation would have been ruined if word had gotten out that I was to have a child out of wedlock. So, I married Richard as soon as I could so that the child could be passed off as his. I moved to Belhaven to be with him and I never saw Julian again. Several months later, Alice was born and she was—and still is—the only connection I have to the man I loved." Tears glistened in Mother's eyes. Though, she blinked quickly and they were gone in an instant.

I stared at her for several heartbeats, unsure what I could even say. Finally, I spoke, my voice strained. "You could never love me because you could never love him?"