The Butterflies You Gave Me In Love

Titli Basu

Before logging out from my insta, i once again looked at the message i have sent to someone.

"Sriya, can we please talk again?"
"Will you reply?"
" Sriya please, you can't ignore me"

Should I unsend them? But i activated my Instagram only for her. What will be the use if i unsend now?

I kept on looking at the messages for some more time. And suddenly a new message came. Not from Sriya. But from Agastya.

"Sleep tight!"

I just looked at the message blankly. Did not feel like replying anymore. But that guy light up my mood for some minutes, that's true. But...now...I wanted a reply from Sriya.

And I knew that she wasn't going to reply.

I palmed my face , sighing audibly.

Why do i do such things always? Just to let others make fun of mine again and again? This was one kind of torture to myself. Waiting for someone's reply is one kind of torture...and i trapped myself in this again. I didn't want this. I didn't want to bother myself with this again but I did.

I was laying on my back and fixing eyes on the ceiling. Krishna...what is happening to me...when will it stop...when will I stop missing my friends who are really not my friends...when will i think about my self respect? When will i have brain?

Yes, why am I stuck in this? It's not like Sriya has been so polite to me all these days. She has cleared it again and again that i do not mean anything to her and will never mean anything to her. I broke her...but i wanted to fix it too... don't i deserve a chance?

I was already feeling the uneasiness in my chest. These thoughts always make me feel like this and i end up crying.

Tears rolled down my face. I couldn't breathe well and felt like I was suffocating. I held my phone tightly and rubbed my chest. I was scared because I felt this way before, and I didn't want to feel this way again.....not again ...

My heart was beating very fast and loud. When i touched my chest, i could feel it and the uneasiness of my body was increasing slowly. It felt like I couldn't get enough air. Everything around me looked blurry and shaky. Tears were coming horribly from my eyes as I recalled all those happy memories with my friends and one by one they all faded away, crushed into pieces. I crushed them.

I recalled Sriya calling me a betrayer, a loner. But I did not do anything intentionally. I did not. I wanted to tell everyone. Wanted everyone to accept me again . This time I'd fix all the problems of mine and behave. Don't i deserve a chance? Everyone does, then why am I not getting one?

I started to sweat a lot. My hands were shaking so much that I dropped my phone. I could hear everything very loudly, but only the echo of words which I was blamed of. And it felt like my mind was racing and couldn't stop. I felt like I wanted to run away from how I was feeling.