Control

Jason

I'm standing in my room as she folds her skirt and shirt neatly. I watch her every move, waiting for her to look at me.

"Nikki?" I break the silence.

She looks over at me. I slowly go up to her, put my hands on her waist and touch my forehead to hers. Her breath hitches and she closes her eyes. I kiss her lips gently and she pulls back and looks at me.

"Jason, I don't think we should do this." She says.

My chest tightens a bit.

"Why not?" I ask.

"I'm not your girlfriend." She says.

"I know. But I want you to be."

"You need to focus on you. You're going through a lot and you're very manic and I don't think you know what you're doing."

"But I do. I want to kiss the girl of my dreams."

"Is that me? Or Ellie?"

My heart drops into my stomach. "You."

She shakes her head.

"It's always been you," I say.

She gets out of my grip and turns to my dresser and opens the top drawer. She pulls out a bloody ring box and hands it to me. I know where this is going. I open it and look at the ring I had of Ellie's for our one year anniversary.

"Explain that then." She demands.

"This doesn't mean anything." I say quietly.

"How? You say you wanna get over her, but you have this still. You carried it with you everywhere." She says.

"No, I didn't." I say.

"Why are you lying to me, Jason? The day you got shot, I found the ring box in the grass after they took you away. It was bloody like this one."

I look at the ring and notice my hands are trembling again.

"Yes... do you remember the day I came home and I told you I had to talk to you? I wanted you to come with me so I can get rid of it. I had Kyle bring it with him when he picked me up. But, Mom decided to have a surprise party and we never got around to doing it." I said.

"Was that ring Ellie's engagement ring?"

She points to the bloody box.

"I've never proposed to Ellie. I had no plans to."

"Then a promise ring?"

"Nikki, I've never bought her a ring. Necklaces, yes." I said.

"Then how did she-"

"She bought it for herself for our one year anniversary and had our initials engraved. And everytime we fought, she took it off and threw it at me. And then one day, I didn't give it back. I planned on tossing it into the lake."

"That could be worth something." Nikki says.

I chuckle. "It's not real, Nik."

I took Ellie's ring out of the box and banged it against the dresser. It sounded like plastic.

"Oh." Her voice breaks.

She turns her head to look away from me. But I know she's crying. I turn her head back and see the tears are falling from her eyes, so I cup my hands around her cheeks and use my thumbs to wipe them away.

"I know it's been hard and I'm trying, Nikki. I can't stop my brain from having these thoughts. I wish I could. Everytime I ran away, I felt like I didn't deserve you. You were and still are too good for me. I don't want you to lose yourself to save me. Just tell me if I'm being too much."