The One Without Words

? chapter twenty-four | the atomical structure of my unemotional heart ?

"Is there anything else?" Talia asked.

I thought of Jack, walking off into the dark field, faltering under the weight of his anxiety. I thought of Penelope, her arm around my shoulders, her erratic movements, the long night in the cell stuck with her, a reminder of everything I hadn't realized I couldn't stand to go back to.

I wanted to tell Talia about it. I wanted to tell her about this morning with Jack, the way he held my hands, our walk in that park under the bridge. 

But I couldn't find the words.

"No," I said. "Nothing else."

"Just promise me you won't do anything like that again," Talia said, frowning.

"I promise." And this time, I actually meant it. "I'm kind of... I've kind of outgrown everything. Maybe I seem like I'm crazy. But honestly that night didn't do anything for me."

Talia nodded—this she could understand. "Then what do you think does?"

"I really loved working at the shop before Grace ruined it for me."

"I'm really sorry about that, Romy. I think Mom is struggling right now, but she's just going along with what your dad wants. She won't listen to me. I just hope this drama calms down so we can have our shop back."

"In the mean time, maybe I'll get a job somewhere else."

Just the thought of that made me feel torn inside.

I slumped onto my bed after Talia left. Took Jack's rose quartz out of my pocket. How totally bizarre. Was this Jack telling me he had a thing for me? He didn't seem like the type to do it so blatantly. Maybe he just meant friendship or something. Did Jack Michel like me as a friend? Did I? Our interactions were nothing like any "friendship" I'd had.

Penelope's words: You're such an overthinker. And yeah, I couldn't stop thinking about the rose quartz. Which led to me thinking about him and all the words he'd ever said to me. I counted them mentally, trying to imprint them into my memory, searching for clues that could tell me why he'd freaked out at the race. Why he'd skipped school to find me today. Why sometimes, like today, it looked like he wanted nothing more than to speak, but still couldn't.

I went over the events of Eli's party. Us and Jack drifting on the lake, safe from hypothermia and drowning by Eli's parents' flimsy boat. It'd been the most memorable experience in a while, but maybe because Jack was there. And now the whole racing thing made sense. I'd wanted Jack to be included in that adventure. Like it was the only way I'd actually have fun.

I rolled on my bed to check my phone. It was already on the text thread with him.

you make me feel like i can do anything. but then i can't keep up.

Sudden heaviness. Swaying in the sea, lost, calmed less by the walk in the forest with Jack and more by the slight tug of his hand on my wrist. Jack, Jack, Jack.

We'd been in silence most of the time. Not even texting after that message. And it hadn't been enough. I'd almost forgotten that moment of overwhelming... what? Emotion? Which emotion? Whatever I felt, it was blurry now, like it hadn't been me.

I dreaded feeling it again. Letting it consume me. Turn me into a helpless shell of my former nonexistent self. I realized that every time I felt something, I numbed it. After Jack took me to the park, the gap between us widened again. I'd focused on the bridge, the enormity of the scenery around us, and then the rock. Solid in my palm. Neither of us knew what to do. Almost like we'd shut in on ourselves again.

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The moment I sat with my friends at lunch, I knew it'd be an interrogation.