Own Me

Chapter Twenty-Two

All I had now was Isaac, but he wouldn't understand. He couldn't. And I felt ashamed that I even thought he could have pushed Tom, just because his ghost told me so. I was itching, greater than ever before. Itching like nothing. I just wanted to feel numb, now. To feel nothing. That would be so amazing, and I knew this was the only way. The quickest way to forget myself.

The three white lines lay before me. Staring at them, considering, but I already knew I'd lost myself. Just taking the stuff out of Skins hands meant I'd lost. I sighed, bending down, breathing in one last lucid breath, and then I sniffed. One. Sniff. Two. Breathing. Sniff, again. Three. I held onto the nearest wall for support after that, dizzy just from doing it again. The sensation was just so familiar to me, feeling it shoot up my nose, setting my eyes and nose and brain on fire, like every other time I'd done it. It felt comfortable, like an old habit.

I sat and waited in the alley until I went up, staring at the cracks in the pavement, until I saw them distorting sharply. I blinked, smiling, knowing it was done. I raised myself back up off the floor, swaying. Even moving felt so effortless, so free. As my legs moved, I felt the air brushing over them, I felt like I was floating, moon-walking, like every step was a mile long. I was smiling, I couldn't stop. Biting on the side of my mouth, on my tongue. I was wringing my fingers together again, this time feeling so different, feeling every line and crease on my skin, feeling my own warmth. Breathing. I kept breathing. And smiling.

Everything had washed away, tossed to the corner of my mind. I felt the lucidity, the clarity, but it was too far away to reach out and grab. I knew I was real, but I felt sharper, yet slower. Everything was moving slower, or faster, I couldn't tell. I could hear the strangest of sounds around me. Even the wind sounded different. Peoples voices all around sounded rushed and high-pitched, ringing in my ears all at the same time, thousands of different sounds reverberating everywhere. Colours were everywhere, blurring, merging, swirling, but intensifying all around me. I felt like I'd found home again.

"You alright, man?" I heard someone ask. Their hands touched my shoulders, holding me still in place. I nodded. "Let me see your eyes." I smiled at him, couldn't stop smiling. His fingers pressed at either side of my eyes and pulled them open wider.

"Is he okay?" one of his friends asked, a girl's voice.

"He's just high," the boy replied. "High off his face."

"Ask him if he wants to come to a party with us," she said, nudging her friend.

"Hey, you wanna come and party with us? Don't want to waste the high, do you?"

I nodded in reply to him, not really knowing where I was or who they were. I didn't really care. I'd been walking, but I couldn't tell for how long. Time, it just kind of kept going, and I couldn't tell at what pace. Slow or fast, ticking.

"We've got some X we're going to do later," the girl said, as they lead me down one of the high streets, arm in arm. "We'll do it together."

"I'm Mike," the guy said, smiling. I smiled back, although I couldn't remember if I'd stopped smiling at all. "This is Safi."

"Hi guys," I said to them, wrapping my arms around both of their shoulders. I just wanted to be so close to them, to touch their skin and feel the heat radiating off of them. I wanted to feel it on me, warming me up. "I'm Darby."

"He's so up there," Safi laughed. "It's making me jealous. Mikey, can we drop now? I wanna feel it now." She was buzzing up and down at that point.

"Okay, babe," he said, pulling a little baggie out of his pocket. They had pills.  They took two each and gave me one, considering I was already up there.