DV Series: decoding the boys (under revision) ??

41 | akala ko

Umupo si Kuya Jacob sa tabi ni Kuya Andrei. "Ba't 'di pa kayo kumakain? Larga na. Malamig na ang masasarap na luto ko, fuckers!"

I set the ice cream aside, one thing na napansin ng mga kapatid ko. Nagsimula na silang kumain, tumatawa at nagkukwentuhan. Hindi ko sila masabayan.

May sasabihin ako. It had to be now.

Pero shit. Nanginginig ako sa kaba.

How do I break it to them?

Kuya Andrei noticed my unease. "You were saying?"

Nakatingin na rin sa 'kin ang iba. Ngiting ngiti si Kuya Jacob habang nakatuon sa 'kin ang mapanuring mata ni Kuya Travis. I cleared my throat. Ang aga aga ay pinagpapawisan ako.

"May sasabihin ka?" Kuya Jacob said, curious.

Biglang umurong ang dila ko. Kaya ko ba? Could I bear to ruin this? Na makita silang magalit sa 'kin?

"Just . . . " I sighed. Hindi ko kaya. "Sorry for last night. Ang brat ko do'n." I looked down in shame. Okay, Javee. You lost it. You blew the chance. Tangina.

My brothers all broke into smiles. Kuya Jacob reached out to ruffle my hair.

"Sus. Parang 'yon lang, e. Maliit na bagay."

Tumawa si Kuya Chris. "Tara kain."

They dug in again. Pinagmasdan ko kung gaano sila kasaya habang nag-uusap. They made it a point na isali ako sa bawat asaran. They were talking about Mathev's latest escapade. Obviously, sinusubukan nilang i-lift ang mood ko.

My brothers. My life. My world. Sa kanila talaga umiikot ang mundo ko. Hindi ko kayang sirain pa 'to.

Bakit ba kasi kailangan ko pang pumili? Hindi ba pwedeng tanggapin na lang nila si Racel?

I bit my lip.

Alam ko na ang sagot. My brothers are amazing but they are not perfect. Hindi nila kaya. Because of their damn pride, they will never be okay with Racel. I know that.

Matagal ko nang alam 'yon, e. Ako lang naman 'tong mahina na nagpadala pa rin sa agos. Now I had to face the consequences of my wrong decisions.

I didn't wanna lose anyone but something's gotta give and I knew whom I'm going to let go-whom I should choose. When I failed to tell them the truth, alam ko na ang sagot.

I'm sorry, Racel. I'm so sorry.

I'm afraid kahit friendship ay bawal na. Hanggang dito na lang yata tayo.

Natatakot ako. Would my choice be worth it?

#

Racel texted me the day after. For days he was calling me pero 'di ko siya sinagot. May mga pagkakataon na nagsasabi siyang inaabangan niya ako, to meet but I never came to him.

I've made up my decision. But was it the right one? Bakit ang sakit? Madalas nilang sabihin na dapat sundin mo ang puso mo. Paano yung ganito? Dalawa ang sinasabi sa 'kin ng puso ko?

I wanted both of them.

Anong dapat kong gawin? Kaya ko bang pandindigan 'to?

I knew it was unfair to avoid him but I didn't have the heart to tell him yet. Naduduwag ako. Hanggat hindi ako sigurado na kaya kong panindigan ang choice ko, wala akong lakas ng loob na humarap sa kanya.

I was weak. I couldn't believe it but it was the truth. I felt vulnerable.

Sa ilang araw na 'yon, hindi ako iniimik ni Lhyle. He made it a point not to talk to me at all dahilan para mapansin na nina Maxxie, Anjo, Hiro at Ahron ang nangyayari.