STATIC (LGBT)

Chapter 23

And I think I understood the reason for that just now. The summer camp Zoë talked about, 3 years before their death, they’d been there so no wonder I’d played well. My mom… maybe I had sensed it as pressure on me, leaving me with a sour feeling in our relationship, but in reality all she wanted was to keep me going. But after that, everything felt like it changed. There’s been no sense in music, but I’ve continued to do it.

I have.

And I’m glad because it’s starting to make sense again.

---

“A-Alex,” Zoë mumbled  making me feel more aware of what I was feeling against my lips,

I held onto her face, almost as if embracing it with my hands, and kissed her.

It’s hard to explain it but this time, unlike the first time we kissed, or the second time, I feel this intense urge to express myself. I really have no words to what I am feeling because I really don’t know what I’m feeling. There’s a mixture of many things, and maybe something else that makes all of this so… new and indescribable.

Ah… Seriously... I really don’t know. It’s just that kissing Zoë was driving me crazy at the moment.

“Hey, Alex!”

Zoë grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed me away with a start. I felt myself huff air out as a mixture of the surprise and the intensity of my feelings right now. Plus it absolutely didn’t help at all that Zoë pierced right through me with her eyes. They were so pale, so and so pale… yet I could still see the slight degradation of color as it got to a stronger blue around the iris… Really, what is she thinking right now? I can’t even tell.

For a few seconds, all we did was staring at each other until I realized that I completely just exposed myself on the fact that I have feelings for her… because I hadn’t said it yet, and she hadn’t even asked me about it either. And probably since I kissed her after asking her about it myself then it was probably implied.

Oh sh*t, what did I just do? What if this is not what she wanted, or planned? What if… I really am mistaken? What if she does actually like me and wanted to back off from me?...

No, that wouldn’t make sense. She did kiss me after realizing she likes me, days later, at my house. And she also responded back to me just now… and Zoë’s still holding my hand right now so, what the heck am I supposed to think right now?

Ugh! Point is that I don’t freaking know what’s going on in her head and it’s even worse when I don’t know what’s in mine either!

“You’re sick remember?”  Zoë said squeezing my hand.

…

For a moment, I felt struck by her response… I mean, why is she bringing that up now?

I pushed the rim of my glasses up and stared at Zoë… I’m not too sure if I’m glad that confusion has replaced the feeling of euphoria and still, confusion, or if I’m perplexed at the fact that she seems to be smiling her butt off for a moment for some reason. I mean, she didn’t even stutter for what she said.

“Y-yeah?” I said, obviously stuttering and blushing full out.

“Sooooo…” Zoë said back sliding her fingers between mine, on the same hand she’d been squeezing. Then her eyes met mine and I swear that they…wow… her eyes were so electrifying that I can’t believe I’ve never really admitted to myself until now that they really are beautiful… No stepping back from that anymore… But what caught my eyes after that though was the unmistakable blush on her cheeks. “…. I-I’ll say it this way: I knew it!”

She’d said that so suddenly and so excitedly and triumphantly that I couldn’t help but understand what she was saying.

It’s safe to say that the only thing I was doing right now was blushing myself off and trying to look away from her .This was most definitely NOT comfortable, even with her around. I mean, it’s because it’s HER that it’s like this.

“Aw, come on.” Zoë said putting her hand on my cheek and trying to pull me somehow jokingly and moving herself so that I’d look at her, “Alex, hey, seriously. I’m not kidding.”

Yeah, I knew that. But still! All my doubts were gone and replaced with totally different feelings.

After a few more seconds of silent battle between us I ended up unlinking hands and turning myself around to look at the opposite way from sheer embarrassment and a little bit of anger for some reason. I… I couldn’t face her right now. I really couldn’t! It’s just so… so… embarrassing… and I really can’t escape and I do want to…  but at the same time I don’t.

…

It’s time to admit it to yourself, Alex. I thought to myself after a few seconds gathering up my thoughts and trying to calm down. You really do like her, and you really do want this.

The thing is… I don’t really know WHAT exactly I want out of this.

Right then, when I was thinking that, I felt Zoë’s arms surround me loosely, her chin poised on my head, her hair hanging against my own and her stomach against my back, warming it in a really comfortable way. “You know… other than the reason you seemed to understand just then which you totally tried to make me forget about, I’m really not against this. So I guess it’s not a ‘think’ anymore.”

I was about to turn to her and say something against what she just said… but I really didn’t find anything that I could debate over. All she said was true, and the last part was something I really didn’t know how I should react to.

So in summary, I just stayed there and felt her squeeze me a little tighter after my lack of opposition…

I could feel her heart beat against my back. It was really strong. And I guess this is because she’s, in a way, talking about this with me.

“Fine.” I said.

“You’re okay with it?” Zoë asked me, not changing the tone to her voice. It was really… normal.

“Yeah.” I said.

Zoë didn’t answer back, until I felt her laugh a little. “Not that I need your approval though.”

“Whatever.” I said rolling my eyes but feeling myself blush but still putting my hand on her forearm. I was curious to feel what was being used to embrace me, and it was surprisingly comforting.

“Wanna leave?” Zoë asked me, “And maybe have dinner with me at home? I’ve been meaning to ask but you know, you’ve been sick… still are.”

I leaned back against her, “okay.”

“Cool,” Zoë said taking her arms off me and standing up quickly, which pretty much almost made me fall on my back over the couch. “Ah, sorry. Here.”

And with that she extended her hand towards mine, and the look on her face… let’s just say that I knew what it meant.

I grabbed it, and when I did, we immediately intertwined them.

 Her hand was cold against my skin but I guess it wouldn’t be for long.