Hard To Forget.?

Chapter 8 - Struggles.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"He didn't move, mommy! I just said that!" He exclaimed.

I rose an eyebrow, "Watch your tone before I get my belt." I scolded.

I don't whoop my kids because I don't believe in it. The pain doesn't do anything but hurt them and that's the last thing I want. Plus, if I did whoop them, they'd get old enough to where it didn't affect them any longer. If I started grounding them then, they wouldn't take it seriously. So I use the timeout method and taking things away. It will always be affective.

He hung his head in shame, "Sowwy mommy."

"It's okay, Trent." I smiled. "So why didn't he move?"

"I don't knowww! Him was talking though." Ne'Vaeh wondered. "I asked him was him my daddy and him said 'yeah'."

Trey suddenly burst into laughter, "You sure it wasn't just that wax figure with the voice box inside?"

"No!" Trent snapped at him, "It wasn't! He's my daddy! Shut up you meany!" 

Trent hopped off my lap and dashed up the stairs. I could tell he was about to cry because he suddenly got mad. He has temper issues.

I heard the door slam and I knew then that he was beyond mad. He really believed he found his father and Trey was basically mocking him about it.

I turned my head to glare at a shocked Trey. 

He didn't know my baby could get down like that!

"Twent?!" Ne'Vaeh yelled up the stairs as she went to follow him. I heard the door slam again and I sighed.

"Nice going, Trey!" I snapped sarcastically.

"I didn't do anything!"

I shook my head in disappointment and got off the couch and headed for the stairs. I barely touched the first stair when I heard Trey's voice behind me.

"Tell me what I did. Please." He said softly. For some reason, he sounded ashamed that he didn't know. 

"You know," I turned to him, "Trent always have dreams of his father leaving him. Or his father saying he doesn't love him. The bad part about it is...he doesn't even know his father. He's so obsessed with the fact his father wasn't there for him. He's obsessed with finding him to prove to him that he is good enough. He wants to earn his love, his respect. That is something a three-year-old shouldn't have to worry about. But he does. He shouldn't have to worry about being good enough for his father because that's something that should come naturally. He shouldn't be blaming himself because he doesn't know who his father is. That's all me because I was too scared to tell him and still am."

I could feel myself starting to tear up. But I refused to let them fall. I would not cry in front of him again. I've already been to weak and I won't let it show anymore.

"I'm sorry I didn't-"

I shook my head, "It's not your fault. None of it is. It's my fault. I'm the reason he has all this going. I should have just told his father. But I just watched him leave and didn't bother to chase him." I paused, looking directly into Trey's eyes. I could hardly see them because the tears that were threatening to fall was blocking my view.

"I had the chance to stop him." I continued, "I figured if he left, then he must not have loved me the way I loved him. There were things more important. I wasn't good enough for him. So, I did what I did and I really do regret it everyday. Watching my kids struggle to find their father eats me up inside."

I hadn't even realized Trey had moved. He was now standing in front of me. His hand was on my cheek, caressing it.

I closed my eyes enjoying the feeling of him being close to me.