keep it up ? joshler ?

28

josh looked down. "leukemia."

all tyler could think about was ryan. how his heart had broken the same way when ryan told him about his sickness. the way seeing his best friend in a hospital bed destroyed his positive outlook on the world forever. the way his death ripped him to shreds. he couldn't go through that again. he couldn't.

he felt sick as he gazed at josh, finally truly noticing how pale, small, and just plain tired he looked. tyler felt as if he had fallen in love with a dead man walking.

he wanted to be mad. he wanted to scream at josh and yell about how much he hurt him, how he didn't even feel like he could trust josh again, but it wasn't the case.

tyler suddenly didn't feel mad anymore. he didn't feel exhausted, or hurt, or confused. he just felt sad.

"tyler-" josh began again, before getting cut off.

"c-can, can you... tell me about it?" tyler said, taking in a brief pause, "i d-don't want t-to have any m-more secrets between us.. tell me about it, please.."

"are you sure?" josh asked.

"yes."

josh looked down at his hands. "i was young.. like, really young. around six or seven."

tyler felt his stomach drop.

"i was brought to the hospital, of course, and things were hard. i mean, they were worse than they are now. it was like, full doses of chemo, i wasn't supposed to make it past my ninth birthday. lost my hair and stuff too.

"then, things started getting better. i mean, the cancer didn't go away or anything, but i guess i just got used to the fact that my life was going to be like that from then on. after i turned ten it let up, i started weekly chemotherapy instead of daily, and the amounts of it weren't as many either."

"josh brought his hands to his blue hair, running his fingers through it. "this mop started to grow back too, which made me happy, and at around eleven i was finally brought to a shared room, and i met most of my friends there, besides you, of course.

"i was finally allowed to hang at home like, a year or two later. i was still sick though, so it wasn't like i was normal, but it was better than before. i took up drums and just walked around a lot, still texting my friend while in coffee shops and smoothie shops and stuff because they were sicker than i was and couldn't leave the hospital.

"when i was seventeen i was moved again to, um, here i guess. with patrick and gerard. brendon is in the room next door, but a while back there was a kid named ryan there too."

tyler perked up more at the name. it couldn't be the same ryan, right? it wasn't possible?

"r-ryan?" he asked quietly, "um, did you know him?"

josh raised an eyebrow, "yeah, i did... why?"

"it's not.. his, er, his last name, what was it?"

"ross... ryan ross."

no.

oh no.

tyler felt the room spin. his brain felt like it was melting and he couldn't grasp onto any reality.

"tyler?"

tyler felt his knuckles grip the sheet again. "it's- i'm," he stuttered, "i knew him too... ryan was my best friend, and-"

his breathing hitched. he wasn't sure how he was able to find the words before, because they were certainly gone now.

"you knew him?"