Undefined (Book #1 Joshler)

CHAPTER 52: The Real Tyler

°~°

"-wish you could see Tyler. I love you so much.... Yes sometimes you scare me especially with that last thing. That really scared me. But I still love you no matter what. You could be batshit crazy and I'd still love you. I love you so much Tyler."
I woke up as Josh was talking, he was holding my hand in his.
I kept my eyes closed as he drew in a shaky breath.
Is he crying?
What a baby.
Although I was crying earlier so I guess I can't say anything.
"God Tyler I love you so much. I know you said that all that we've been through was just an act but dammit I still love you. I know some of those times I was with the real you not just a fake one. Like when you were sick that time.... I don't know I just love you so much and care about you so much. I don't care if you don't love me back. I just need you to know that I love you."
Do I love Josh?
Of course I love Josh.
I love everyone I meet but they don't love me back so then I hate them and want to hurt them.
But Josh loves me.
"I love you too." I whispered, opening my eyes.
He looked startled.
"How long have you been awake?"
"Long enough."
"I meant it. Everything I said."
I nodded.
I still feel extremely weak.
Is that something I should say?
Is that something they need to know?
".. I feel weak."
"Well considering the amount of blood you lost and you throwing up twice you should feel weak."
I nodded.
"I don't just feel physically weak but mentally too. Usually my brain is really active. Usually its buzzing with nonsense but it just feels weak."
"Oh I see."
"Is it bad that if it wasn't for me feeling like this I'd probably be trying to kill you right now?"
"I don't know how to respond to that."
"Didn't think you would."
"Tyler can I ask you something?"
"Yeah."
"Why do you like.. Um hurting people.. You said earlier that it entertains you... Why?"
I stared at him.
"I don't know. I just like it. It makes me feel powerful. I love the feeling I get when I watch someones eyes blossom with fear when they realise just how messed up I am. Knowing that someone is scared of me and knowing I have full control over whether or not they'll be alive tomorrow gives me this rush and I just like it."
"Oh."
"You know I wasn't lying."
"About what?"
"When I said that I hate myself and hate the way I am. I love it but at the same time I hate it. I don't know. I wish I could be normal yes, but I also love being this way. I know it doesn't make sense."
He nodded trying to wrap his brain around what I'm saying.

"Why didn't you let yourself die?"
I stared at him in confusion.
Did he want me to die?
"I mean.. Like.. I don't want you to die but you always said you wanted to so."
"I don't know. I did always want to but then when I realised it was happening I got scared. I didn't want to. I thought I did die."
"I'm glad you didn't."
"I am too. I was so scared though. I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life."
"It's weird."
"Whats weird?"
"Well when you think about someone like you, like that wants to kill people for entertainment. You think that they have no fears but here you are saying you were scared."
"I'm scared of lost of things. That's just who I am."
"You don't need to be scared there's nothing to be scared of."
"There's tons to be scared of."
"Like what?"
"Myself. The things I'm capable of. The things I think of doing to people. The things I've done to people. All that scares me but I also enjoy it. Twisted isn't it?"
"I guess. You know... This is the first time I feel like I'm having a conversation with the real Tyler."
"Because you are."
"Why now? Why not before?"
"Because I had to continue with the show. I was enjoying it. But then I messed it up again."
"Again?"
"Yes."
"What do you mean?"
"Its not the first time I've put on a show. I think its the third."
"Oh...."
"Are you scared?"
"Am I scared?"
"Yeah. Are you scared of me?"
"No."
"Your not?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because for a psychopath your pretty nice."
I narrowed my eyes at him.
"I can make you scared of me."
"No you can't."
Is he challenging me?
That's not a good idea Joshie.
He must've noticed how angry I was getting.
"I'm sorry. I mean.. I.."
"You are scared of me." I smirked.
I could tell he was just from his response.
"Maybe a little."
"Good."
"Good?"
"I like when people fear me."
"Oh.."
I sat up a bit.