Undefined (Book #1 Joshler)

CHAPTER 53: Relax

I went back and sat on the bed as he sat in a chair beside my bed.
Josh lay unmoving.
"Alright so, when did you start feeling this way? Like when did you start 'enjoying hurting people' as you say?"
"A while ago maybe like elementary school maybe earlier I can't really remember."
Josh pushed himself off the bed and left the room without a word. He's probably gone to finish in the bathroom.
"Okay.. Why do you think you enjoy these activities?"
"Probably because I'm not right in the head."
"You think your not right in the head?"
"I know I'm not, I mean come on it's obvious."
"I guess your right."
"Is that it?"
"No. What goes on in your head when your doing those things?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like what are you thinking when your in the middle of say.... Choking someone?"
"Usually the only thing I think about while choking someone is whether or not I want to kill them then and there or if I want to have a little fun first."
"..okay... Have you ever actually killed someone?"
"..well .... No."
"....okay..."
"Your scared."
"What?"
"I said your scared.... Of me."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are. I can tell by the way your acting."
"Okay well.. I have a few more questions."
"Okay."
"Why the act? Why pretend to be someone who your not?"
"I don't know it's just fun. Like I know you might not see why it's fun but to me it is."
"Okaaayy.. Um.. Well why are you acting so different from when you first attacked Dr. Varrence?"
"Because I want Josh to trust me and he can't really do that if I'm going around attacking people all willy nilly."
"Why do you want Josh to trust you?"
"I'm done talking to you."
"I'm not done talking to you."
"I don't care."
"Tyler were not done."
"Yes we are. Now go."
I stood up and walked to the window again.
Dr. James stood up and walked up behind me.
"Ty-"
I turned around, grabbed his shirt and pushed him up against the wall.

"I said were done."
"Tyler let go of me and no were not I want you to answer more questions."
"I'm not answering them."
"Tyler-"
I punched him across the face.
That's when Josh came back.
"Tyler!"
I stared angrily at Dr. James while Josh tried to pull me off him.
"Tyler calm down."
I took a deep breath then took a step back.
"Go." I spoke quietly, looking at the floor.
Dr. James slowly pushed himself off the wall and left the room.
I clenched and unclenched my fists.
"Tyler?"
I grabbed Josh and slammed him into the wall.
He looked scared.
I'm not going to hurt him.
I just want to know that he's scared.
I need that feeling.
My face got dangerously close to his.
I could feel his breath of my face, he's definitely scared.
"Tyler what are you doing?"
"Are you scared?"
"Tyler-"
"I know your scared."
I brought my hand up to his face his eyes went wide as he seen me move my hand then he closed them tightly and flinched.
I gently cupped his jaw and kissed him.
I pulled back.
He slowly opened his eyes, relaxing a bit.
"I won't hurt you." I said softly.
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes."
"Good."
I turned and sat on the bed, still clenching my fists.
Oh how I wanted to beat the shit out of Dr. James.
Have him tremble with every tiny move I make.
Have him beg for me to stop.
But I wouldn't stop.
I'd keep going until he stopped breathing.

"Tyler are you okay? Your very tense.."
"M'fine." (I'm not fine.)
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah." (no.)
"Tyler.. You don't seem okay. You can tell me if your not."
"I'm okay." (I'm not.)
"Are you positi-"
I pushed him backwards onto the bed and crawled on top of him.
"I'm positive." (that I'm not okay.)
He nodded but still didn't look convinced.
"Fine."
"Fine?"
"I'm not okay."
"What's wrong?"
"I don't know."
"Try to explain what your feeling."
Why does he care?
"Um.. Well.. I.."
I sat back trying to think if what to say.
"I want.. I-I want to hurt you."
"I thought you said you weren't going to?" he panicked.
"I'm not going to. I don't want to... But I want to."
"Why?"
I had my hands resting on top of his chest, my fingertips started to push into him.
"Hey relax."
He said gently taking my hands off his chest and using his thumbs to rub circles into the back of them.
I took a deep breath and let my muscles loosen.
"Why do you not want to but also want to hurt me?"
"I.. I want to.. Be-because... I.."
I furrowed my eyebrows still trying to figure out what to say.
"Hey it's okay take your time."
I relaxed again.
"I don't know why I want to I just do but I don't want to because I don't want to hurt you but at the same time I do. I'm not going to. I.. I want to try to.. T-to.."
"To what?"
"Um.. I-i want to try to.. Be.. To.. Um.. To be better."
"What do you mean?"
"I-i want to.. I want to... Let you.. Let you.."
I looked him in the eye.
"I want to let you love me and I want to... I want you.. To let me.. Love you.. O-or... I mean.. I want you to let me try to love you because I'm.. I'm not good with that stuff but I want to be. I want to be better and I want to not.... Be mad all the time and I want to not.. Want to.. Hurt anyone."
"Tyler. Hey it's okay."
"I-i.. I never wanted to.. Before.. To get better.. To try to... I just wanted to hurt people but.. I.."
I bit my lip.
"I want to be more like.. Like... Um.. Other Tyler."
"You do?"
"Yes.. I can... I can do it.. I could.. I.. Maybe I do want to leave... I know the other day I said I didn't but... You've changed my mind."
"Me?"
"Yes... You... You make me.. Want to.. Give.. Feelings a try.. I usually shield myself from getting close with people but I want to get close with you.. I want to.. I... I-i want.. I want to let people help me... I..."
My hands tightened in his grip.
"It's okay just relax Tyler. Take your time. Think about what your trying to tell me."
I opened my hands again.
"I want.. To.. B-be able to con-control myself.. I've been trying.. I was going to hurt Dr. James.. But I didn't... I told myself to stop... I've been telling myself to stop a lot today because I keep getting angry or I.. I keep wanting to... Hurt someone. I want- I want to control it."
"Are you sure?.. This isn't just another one of your acts?"
I shook my head no.
He searched in my eyes for something I'm not sure what but when a tear fell it looked like he found whatever it was he was looking for.
"Okay. I believe you."
I nodded.
I really meant what I said. I want to get better. I want to be normal and I want to go home. (I think.... Maybe I just want to give it a try? I don't know.)
"I want to not want to hurt people and I.. Want to not find entertainment in it.."
"Okay."
He gave my hands a gentle squeeze that somehow made me feel a bit better.
"I want to do this... I think.. I don't know..."
"What do you mean?"
I drew in a shaky breath as a few tears fell.
"I don't know... I think I want to do this.. But I don't know for sure b-because.."
"Because what?"
"I.. I have a hard time reading what I'm feeling... Like a lot of the time I'll say I'm happy. I'll feel happy.. But I know I don't really feel happy even if I am happy .. I just.. I don't know what I want."
"It's okay.. But I need to know if you really want to get better okay?"
I nodded and tried to piece together my feelings toward to subject.

"Josh..."
"Yes?"
"Can.. Can you help me?"
"Help you? With getting better?"
I nodded.
"I want to do it... But I don't want to do it alone.... I'm scared."
"It's okay. I'm right here."
"The whole way through?"
"Yes."
I sighed shakily and nodded.
"Well Tyler if your serious about that there's somethings you need to know."
My head snapped to the door where Dr. James leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed.
"How long have you been there?"
"Since you got on top of Josh."
He wasn't supposed to hear any of that. That was supposed to be for Josh only.
I squeezed Josh's hands and clenched my jaw trying to keep myself from going after Dr. James.
"Tyler relax it's okay. He can help too."
I relaxed again and nodded.
Dr. James walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Okay Tyler listen. You need to be 100% committed if you want to get better. You need to continue to tell yourself to stop or calm down when you get angry. You need to realise it's going to be hard and its going to take a long time but you can not get frustrated with it. You need to be patient. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Alright. I think to start you off we should get you into anger management."
"...okay..."
"You need to be able to talk more openly like you just were with Josh. You need to let us know how your feeling and whats going through your mind. You need to express what your feeling and not in the sense that you beat the shit out of someone either. Maybe we'll let you start writing again."
"You will?"
"Maybe I'll think about it."
"Okay."
"When your having an episode or if you do end up attacking someone you need to let us calm you down. None of that yelling business and telling us not to touch you. You need to accept the help."
"Okay."

Dr. James said we'll start tomorrow then left me and Josh alone.
"I'm happy that you want to get better."
I nodded.
"Is there something else that's bothering you?"
"I'm scared. I'm really scared."
"About getting better?"
I nodded.
"It's okay. Look.."
He sat up.
"I'm right here. I'm going to help you through this. If you really want to do this then were going to do it. You can talk to me about anything and everything along the way. If there's something you don't like that were doing tell me. If you ever change your mind and decide you don't want to do this then tell me. I want you to do this because you want to not because you have to. I want you to be comfortable while doing it too. Okay?"
"Yeah."
I nodded.
"Am I allowed to hug you?"
"Please."
I love Josh's hugs.
Their the best.
They always make me feel safe.
He wrapped his arms around me.
What Josh doesn't know is that all the times I've cried before or had episodes that I actually relied on him to comfort me.
I took a deep breath and rested my forehead in the crook of his neck.
"Your okay Tyler. I got you."