One and the Same (Hetalia [PruCan])

Chapter 2 - All These Regrets

"What are you doing, Gil?"

Damn. Matthew, ever so perceptive, had caught him in the act.

"I . . ." Gilbert lowered his hands from his head. "I'm . . ."

"Gil, I like you the way you are," said Matthew, reading his mind so easily. He reached up and brushed some stray snowflakes off the Prussian's head, although it probably wouldn't have made a difference in the end. "It's not weird at all. Don't be ashamed of it."

"How—how would you know anyway?" Gilbert demanded, looking away. "You don't have anything weird about you, and even if you did, people don't notice you anyway, so—" He caught himself, the rest of his words dying inside his throat.

Regretfully he wished he could take it all back. It was out now, though; the only thing Gilbert could do was hope to Gott that Matthew didn't decide to go all passive-aggressive on him.

But Matthew didn't seem to be offended.

"Gil," he sighed, closing his eyes. "What's been going on with you? You're acting strangely these days."

Gilbert buried his chin inside his scarf, refusing to answer, not knowing how to answer.

"You're a lot quieter, you know. I've noticed that Germany tells you to be quiet, but you're less talkative even out of meetings. Are you okay?"

Instead of replying, Gilbert quickened his pace, like getting to the restaurant sooner would abolish their need for this conversation to drag on longer than it had to. But Matthew caught up to him easily, despite being an inch or two shorter.

Gilbert started off with a sigh: "Matt, the honest answer is: I don't know." His voice sounded exasperated. "I stopped being sure after 1947. Every year after that I started growing . . . restless."

Matthew fixed Gilbert with a wide-eyed look. "Grow restless of what?"

"I don't know—" Gilbert threw his hands up. "Maybe when I will disappear? When I'll start forgetting who I am? When everyone else will start forgetting who I am? And the more I think about it, the more it seems like it's actually happening, and the more I think this, the more I—"

He was panting with exertion, probably because he'd been keeping up with this fast pace for so long. But the fact of the matter was, this was another one of his panic attacks. They were happening more and more frequently.

The first few times were easy to cope with, and Germany had even been there to help stop some of them. But now, Gilbert was falling deeper and deeper into that anxiety of his, and the methods he'd used before to get out of it weren't working anymore.

"You never mentioned this to me before," said Matthew softly, frowning.

"I didn't want to bother you," Gilbert managed to get out. "I had such fun times, Matt. I didn't want to spoil it for you."

"You wouldn't have," Matthew interjected quickly. "If you'd told me, I could have helped you."

"There's nothing you can do for me now. It's inevitable."

"You don't know that, Gil. If you're worried about fading away, I'm sure there's some way to keep you fixed to this world. Thinking like that would do more harm than good."

"How would you know?!" Gilbert snapped before he could stop himself. "Have you ever seen another dying nation besides me in your lifetime? No! I'm the only one! What's happening to me is what happens to all dissolved nations like me! So don't pretend like you understand!"

Matthew stopped walking and blinked back in surprise, like he'd been slapped in the face.

"I've seen countless brothers of mine dissolve and disappear. None of them ever come back." Gilbert sucked in a breath. "What makes you think that I'm special? That, unlike them, I'll stay?"