Steady

Chapter Nineteen

When I do finally turn to face Ellen, I find her smiling. It's a wise, knowing smile, one I've seen both her sons wear on occasion.

"Sweetheart, maybe that is the point," she says, squeezing my hand. "Maybe there's no point to this, and maybe that's why it's so beautiful. Because there's no rhyme and reason why. It just...is."

I bite my lip, shaking my head in an effort to stave off tears.

"Everything here has a set course—a predictability to it," she continues. "The earth circles the sun, fall comes after summer, and a rose will die if you cut it off at the stem. These are facts. Cause and effect. But our lives? There are so many factors, so many circumstances that we can't control. It's chaos. But...it's also beautiful. So, when you think about it, there really doesn't need to be a reason for tragedy to strike. My sons died young, yes, and that is the most tragic thing in the world—to me. But it's nothing in the grand scheme of things. Nothing, Bree. Why they died isn't important. What's important is the fact that they lived."

I don't say a word. Instead, I pull her into a hug. I don't even worry about her age or how frail she is, I hug with everything I have. I hug her until my muscles tremble. Until they burn with exertion. And when she finally pulls away minutes later, I smile.

I smile because she's right.

I smile because I'm in awe of her.

And she smiles right back. Right before her eyes fall to the pendant hanging around my neck. Her thin fingers reach for it and I hold still as she turns it over and reads the inscription.

She stares for several quiet minutes and I let her mourn all the beautiful moments her sons will never get to see. With every blink of her light eyes, I can see a different story playing out. College graduations. Weddings. First houses. Children...

"I loved him very much." I rest a hand against her cheek, ensuring she's looking me in the eyes. "I loved them both. With every piece of my heart, I loved them."

I expect to see confusion, but she never even blinks. With every beat my heart takes, it swells with a tender, bittersweet happiness I've never felt before.

"I know you did, sweetheart," she says. "I know."

***

Visiting the cemetery was good for me. Seeing Ellen made me realize just how selfish I've been in my grief. I put my loved ones through hell while I should have been with Ellen. We should have been grieving together. It's what the boys would have wanted.

As I pull a fresh sleep shirt out of my closet, my eyes catch on something reting in the corner. I vaguely remember putting it away but can't recall when. Once my eyes settle on the worn box containing the best mistake I've ever made, I can't look away.

"Don't be stupid," I say, reprimanding myself.

I should shut the door. I should move on and forget it exists. Jake once pleaded with me to get rid of the thing, but I didn't listen, and as it turns out, it was a moot argument anyway.

Still, I could burn it. Even though it wouldn't accomplish a thing and the damage has already been done, I'm swarmed with the need to be rid of it. Just to fulfill Jake's request.

Acting against my better judgment, I kneel on the floor and pull the box to me. The planchette—which I kept in my sock drawer for the longest time—is in the box as well. I take the box to my desk and place the board in front of my computer. Feeling the smooth wood of the planchette brings about an onslaught of memories and I embrace every single one.

My hands find their place on the planchette and my eyes fall closed. I'm just asking for disappointment, but I don't care. It's stupid, but I feel like I'm letting myself down if I don't at least try.