Where do we go from here.

How am I supposed to do this without you

Till forever's come and gone
Till the mountains tumble down
I'll still be loving you, girl
Till the stars fall from the sky
Till the seas all run dry
I'll still be loving you
When clouds appear
Now don't you fear
Baby, we're gonna weather the storm
I'll stand by you
We'll see it through
You'll be safe and warm

My favorite song on the new album, it actually helped to feel his body, hear his voice and have his arms around me. For the first time since the news I lifted my head and spoke " where are my babies?" "sweetbaby they are in the next room Jon and Harley have them, they are here and staying so is Betty and Alma and Danny is on the way from Miami"" I...I need to get them, they need me"" they are fine with Jon and Harley, you need your sleep baby""no no I need them" I go to stand and my legs just buckle I feel Joey's arms grab me. " see you need to lay down baby" and I feel him lay me back down. "Joey" and there it goes the tears, I finally just cried myself to sleep that night when my body just got tired of fighting it.
I woke up the next morning eyes swollen from crying and body sore, I roll over to see Joey was not in the bed and I got up to use the bathroom, after I come out I hear everybody's voices coming from the kitchen and I head down. I walk down to see the puppies in the backyard and both babies asleep in their swings, I walk around the corner find Betty and Danny in the kitchen cooking and Joey and Kay were in the office. I walked into the kitchen and sat down "baby girl!" Danny comes around the island and wraps his arms around me and places a kiss on my head, "I'm so sorry babygirl""Thanks, when did you get here?""a few hours ago""Leesa honey are you hungry do you want anything?""No thank you Betty""Lee you sure"" I'm not hungry Danny""alright." A few minutes later Joey and Kay both walk in and I feel Joeys arms wrap around me and him place a tender kiss on my cheek. "How you feeling darling?""honestly Ma numb""Well I'm here as long as you need me to be weather just for you or to help with the babies""and Alma,Marlene and I are all coming down to help in anyway you need""Thank you all."" Baby as much as I hate to even do this we need to go to the Funeral home at 12 o'clock and start making some arrangements""I don't know how I am supposed to do this""I am right here, every step of it"" I don't know if he had a life insurance policy, where it is how I can afford this, I don't know...I just can't...."" baby..baby it doesn't matter policy or not we will pay whatever it costs and give him whatever kinda service you want""Joey""Why don't you go upstairs and take a shower and relax""ok" Just then JJ starts to wake up and I get up to go to him, " what are you doing, I've got him Babe go get in the shower and relax""No Joe I got him he is mine" I go pick him up from his swing and look into his little face and I see he has my fathers eyes and that just tore at my heart. I fed and changed JJ before heading up to shower and get dressed to leave to prepare to deal with saying goodbye to the first man I ever loved.
We pulled into Brady and Fallon funeral home shortly before 12, this is really it, I am really having to do this. Joey jumps out the Escalade and comes over to my side and opens the door and holds out his hand "you ready""no""I know baby but we have to do this""I know!" I give him my hand and we walk in. I never in a million years did I ever think I would be here picking out a casket and flowers to lay my father to rest, the arrangements were handled pretty quickly done mostly by Joe because I just couldn't everytime I try to say something words just didn't want to come out. After we left the funeral home we headed to Our Lady of perpetual help church to start arrangements there, I was out of it and Joey handled it I only caught when he had to clear with the church if he had clearance to have a high profile singer come in to sing as soon as I heard that I looked over " Joey what are you talking about?""I called Wanya last night and Mariah and they are coming to sing One Sweet Day for your father""Joey..I.."" you don't have to say anything Babe." Within a couple of hours we had arranged how my father would be remembered and where he would finally lay to rest. The final resting place Montlawn right next to my mother, it would be his final trip home to New York. We headed home just to be met with Vic and Biscuit " I'm sorry lil one" I feel one of Biscuit's infamous hugs and I started to cry. We walked in to see Rae helping Kay and Marlene with something in the kitchen as Donnie sat in the livingroom with Izzy and JJ asleep in the pack and play and holding and talking to Vicky, it actually brought a smile to my face even for half a second. I walked in and turned the corner as soon as Rae seen me she comes running tears in her eyes too, at the end of the day he was her father too. We sat for a moment hugging and crying when I need her she is there.
The next few days went by I honestly couldn't really tell you all that happened I was just present for it not really there. The day had finally arrived, they day my dad was being laid to rest. I sat in my closet at my vanity getting ready to head to the church and I didn't even recognize the person in the mirror staring back at me. Joey walked in a second later tying his tie and looks at me " we need to start heading over""I know""Ma has the babies ready, Rae and Donnie want to know if you want them to keep them after the service?""No I want them here""you sure I think it would be better so you can process your thoughts"" I said NO Joey Kids come home.""alright, we need to start heading out you ready?""I'm physically ready, mentally no"" I know your not no one is I'm here baby just know that ok""I know Joey thank you." I grabbed his hand and we headed out making our way to the church, The turn out was insane but so was the security required for it, with the Boys there as well as Wanya and Mariah there to sing as well as my fathers stature in the community. About a hundred people where there and everyone was so nice and sharing their condolences and to me but I just didn't care, I was trying to be nice but all I could do was to look at the front of the church at my father laying there in that box. It was about 15 minutes later when his service started Joey and I with the babies were all in the front pew with all the Wahlberg,Wood,Knight and McIntyre family directly behind us. Pastor Johnston walked up to the podium and read

For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord.

After the Pastor was done it was my turn I walked up to the podium tears in my eyes and I spoke straight from my broken heart" thank you all from coming what can I say about my father, he was the most loving caring man that did anything in the world for me. He was made to have to raise me from infant when my mom had passed giving birth to me and he worked tirelessly day in and day out to make sure his lil princess had everything I wanted. Now I know it wasn't easy I wasn't easy but he did it and never faultered. I'm sure everyone in here has some kind of story or memory of him. Memories of the powerful attorney that handled the New Kids on the Block but behind that tough as nails attorney only few people got to see the softer side, I remember when he told me we were leaving New York to make the move here to Boston I was so angry and I said some horrible things, but he told me on the car ride heading to Boston"princess you never know what is in store for you when we get there you may just like it" and he was right because of that move I have the love of my life and my babies as well as the worlds best family and friends none of which was possible without him. I seen him right before I went in to deliver the twins he cleared his schedule to be at Joe and I's final ultrasound he was so tickled that the twins were on the way he even talked about taking them to the parks and spending weekends with them, unfortunately he won't be able to do that in the physical form but I know he is always going to be with Victoria Joesph Junior and I and now he is with his first granddaughter Brooklyn and my mom."
I stepped down from the podium and Joey stepped up " I really don't know what to say, what can I say about the man that gave me everything I ever wanted and needed, when that moving truck pulled into the driveway next door that June day I never thought the cute little girl that jumped would be my everything but she has. Without Mr Engert that would have never been possible, now I am not going to tell you him and I had it easy but anything he ever did was to protect her and it brought us to a place that I can truly say without him I wouldn't be anything I am today. Joey stepped down and sat back with me as Mariah and Boys to men stepped up and Boys to men start

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
Now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away
Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
Darling I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
I, I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

At that time people started to line up to view him after I had went up with Joey, I kissed him softly on his head and laid a picture of the kids Joey and I in the coffin with him. The rest of service lasted about another hour. We headed home after his service to have a meal well everyone else can have a meal I still couldn't eat and get some rest tomorrow everyone will be making the trip back to New York to lay my father to rest with my mom.