Save Me

Chapter Twenty-Nine

"I don't want to talk about that," I asserted.

"Have you been seeing more ghosts?" he asked carefully. "You have, haven't you? But why Luke? Why Tom's twin?"

"I don't know," I admitted, but when he showed no sign of responding, I decided to divulge.  "I thought it was Tom, at first. I thought he was real... you know, alive. He looked so much like him, but healthier. He spun some stupid story, and I believed it. But it was all in my head, everything he did, and what he did... it was horrible. I deserved it, though. Maybe I imagined it all just to punish myself, subconsciously, you know."

"Surely you aren't that insane."

"Wanna bet?" I asked rhetorically. "Then again, maybe he was a real ghost, looking to get revenge, I don't know. I reckon it was just my insane mind, making shit up. But he's long gone now, out of sight and out of mind, and that's all that matters."

"You really think you're okay now, don't you?" he asked, his hand reaching out to touch the side of my face and look right into my eyes, piercing me, like he was trying to look into my soul, to see if I was telling the truth. "How can you be so hopeful, after everything?"

"It's easy," I claimed, pulling away from his hands. "Just stop looking backwards, Darby. The past is a fucking shit-show. It's a downward spiral, so stop getting caught up in it. Let it all go."

"It's easy to talk about letting go, but actually doing it, that's a whole other matter," he said defeatedly. "What if the past is all you've got? What if the past is all that's happy?"

"With that outlook, you'll never be happy in the present, or the future."

"I guess so."

"You know, Darby, I don't want you to leave me... I still love you."

"Don't say that," he said. "I want to end it on a good note this time. You'll ruin it if you say stuff like that."

"Ruin it how?"

"Isaac, you know we can't. It just won't work. No matter how much you change, you can't change all the history between us. The ink is already dry."

"I get it." I gritted my teeth, my hands stiffening on the wheel of the parked car.

"Don't be like that," he said, his hand planted on my shoulder. "I remember how it felt back in the day. You were so magnetic, you knew how to draw guys straight in. But I didn't fall in love with that, I fell in love with what was underneath, what you kept hidden away back then, your insecurities, all that stuff with your family. Now, it's like you wear that part of yourself on your sleeve, and I admire that. But fuck, it makes it harder for me to resist you."

"Then why resist?"

"Because I remember what we used to do to each-other. I remember how I used to feel back then, and I don't want it back. We were both drowning, weren't we? Drowning in a wide black ocean, gasping for air, pulling each-other under to try and stay afloat. But don't you think if we just let go of each-other, and take that final leap apart, it'd be a whole lot easier to swim?"

"You say it like it's easy for you, letting me go, and yet you've clung so hard to Tom's memory all these years. You never could love me as much as him, could you?"

The silence assured me that I was right. "I suppose I still love you too, somewhere inside, and it's not like you haven't clung to Tom just as hard. We're not good for each-other. You and Tom weren't good for each-other, but we took it to a whole other level. It was unhealthy, for both of us."

"That doesn't stop me from feeling something for you, though."

"I'm sorry, Isaac, but I'm putting myself first, for the first time in a long time. When I woke up in that hospital, I was fucking mortified. I don't want to stay this person anymore. I remember who I used to be, and I want to be that again, not some lunatic druggie loser. And you, well, you bring out the worst in me. And I think I bring out the worst in you too."

"So what now? What do we do now? Go our separate ways, never see each-other again? I don't want that."

"We'll see each-other," he said. "Not always, but sometimes." I knew that he was lying. He was leaving me for good, again, and I couldn't blame him.

"What if that isn't good enough?" I asked.

"It has to be."

I sparked the ignition again and drove onwards after that, the two of us in silence. We sat quietly the whole way into Penzance, until I pulled up onto Brunswick Boulevard, outside his mum's house, any words I wanted to say getting caught in my throat.

I couldn't stop him, and I couldn't muster the energy to fight for him. I suppose I knew somewhere inside that everything he said about the two of us, it was all right. If I wanted to save him, I had to save him from me too.

We were never going to happen, and I knew it from the moment I found him on top of those cliffs, insane and out of his mind. I wanted the best for him, but more than anything else, I wanted to save him, so I couldn't stop him from walking away. Maybe some part of me even praised him for it, for putting himself first and finally moving on - or at least trying to. He still had hope, somewhere inside, that he'd get better too. I was glad he was taking that chance, but it was still a bittersweet feeling to watch him go.

"Well, I guess I'll see you around, Buttercup."

I didn't say anything in response. I watched him walk up the pathway to the door, watched him turn his head and send me a final wave, before stepping inside.

He was gone again, but this time, I knew I had to let him go.

A.N. I think we all knew they weren't gonna get together in the end, it was pretty obvious. But I'm personally glad that I finally get to neatly tie up Darby's storyline. He's finally managed to put himself and his own mental health first, and he's getting better. Who know? Maybe Isaac will to! You'll find out in the LAST CHAPTER! Xoxo, Clay.