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Chapter Twelve

"Thanks," she said quietly. She wrapped it around her shoulders and sat next to him, pulling her legs up into the chair.

"I'm sorry," she said after awhile.

Zach had already been watching her out of the corner of his eye, but now he turned his head.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Mae."

She nodded a little.

"I didn't come down to make you talk—"

"No," she cut in, "I... I need to."

The faintest of smiles pulled at the corners of her lips.

"Kendra always told me I can't bottle up my feelings. I have to talk, even if I don't know what to say. Keeping it to myself isn't going to help anything."

Some time passed before she began.

"You know Jess. We both grew up in Fairfax, lived there our whole lives. We weren't in the same class in kindergarten, so I didn't technically meet her until first grade. Fast forward eleven years, and look at us now.  

"She has a twin brother, Greyson. Everywhere she was, Grey was too. I... grew up with them. Everything from the games we played when we were children to leaving fifth grade and starting middle school; it was all together. Jess...  she's been with me practically my entire life and she'll always be my best friend. But Grey...."

That was when her tone shifted from simple talk to something much more. There was pain here, and it was apparent in the way her gaze seemed to be swallowed up in the distance.

Zach watched, his heart breaking.

Her eyes watered as her nose tingled with pent-up emotion.

"Grey was everything," she finally said. "Grey was kindness and youth and joy, and... I just wanted to be with him. All the time. I was so drawn to him, even when we were kids."

Her trance seemed to break as she looked down at her lap, folding her hands together.

"So, me being me, I had feelings for him. When I was twelve, maybe, I realized it. I'd spent nearly every moment of my life with him and...."

She never completed that sentence.

"He was different in seventh and eighth grade. I wasn't a stupid kid. I knew teenage boys—and girls—change. Everyone's personalities aren't going to be the same as they were when innocent children, but.... When we were out in public or at school, Grey started acting like we weren't close, sometimes flat out pretending he didn't know me at all. But then when it was just the three of us, or just me and him, everything was like it had been.

"So I took it to Kendra, as I did with everything, and she told me to be patient with him because he was getting older and trying to fit in with the other guys his age. And I knew that, so I tried to brush it off, but all of the sudden when we began highschool... I don't know, it was kind of a shocking wake up call how much he'd changed."

Her features were set as she began listing things off rapidly.

"He always said these awful things to Jess, and not just the typical sibling bickering either. It made me sick because she used to tell me he'd only say stuff like that when they were alone. But then he didn't care who heard, and I heard it way too often. Jess doesn't ever let stuff like that get to her, but he's her freaking twin brother, I mean come on—"

She halted abruptly, throwing her hands up in frustration.

Zach doubted she remembered he was there. In the months he'd known her, he'd never seen this side of her.

Her jaw clenched as she shook her head.

"Freshman year, there were rumors that he was going to parties, drinking, getting involved with girls. Older girls. Jess told me he was out of control at home, fighting with his parents—especially Anna—and sneaking out. There was no punishment that could keep him under control, nothing could be said to make him feel guilty for the destruction he was causing at home. And to himself."

She paused for a long while after that, staring out beyond the pool. The only sound to be heard was the soft breaking of water lapping against cement walls.

"By the time we were sophomores, he hadn't spoken to me in over a year. And that's when I stopped trying, too. I stopped trying to meet his eyes in the hallway at school, stopped saying hello to him when Anna picked us up, stopped trying to get him to open up and talk to me again.... And it seemed like that was it."

A humorless laugh left her mouth as she leaned her head back, closing her eyes.

"The thing about Grey is he has this desperate need to feel desired all the time. To feel wanted. Not loved exactly, but... seen. So he fell into this habit. When something ended with a girl he was talking to or whatever, when he had literally no other options, he'd text me. And after the first couple times, I noticed it was always the same word: just Hey. And everytime, I... I knew it would go the same way. We'd talk for a few days, maybe a week and then... he wouldn't answer. And weeks or months would passed before he'd be back again."

The tone of her voice was weak, but still laced with a sort of controlled anger.

"I knew a long time ago I didn't have feelings for him anymore, but... everytime, though I knew his intentions and I knew what would happen and I knew it would still hurt even when I told myself I'd just talk and not care, I still wanted that friendship with him back. I wanted to talk to him again."

Zach thought she might tear up again, but she just pulled her towel around her figure tighter and shifted in her chair.

"When I left Fairfax he didn't even come at the airport. And now, right now when I'm actually doing something with my life, he shows up again."

She inhaled, exhaled slowly.

"But I'm done. I stopped answering a couple months ago, and I'm done being his backup, his emotional punching bag, his person to hit up because I've always been there for him even when he didn't deserve it. Even when he treated me like a stranger until I was the last person he could turn to."

And with that, she'd finished.

Zach stared at her but she didn't meet his eyes.

He didn't know what to say. So there was silence.