"I'm sorry," he chokes and Louis doesn't know how to respond, so stands, the phone in his hand, trying to pretend that he isn't shaking at the sound of Harry's voice in his ear.
"I'm sorry Lou, I'm so sorry." But something isn't right. Harry's voice is clear, he isn't drunk but Harry never cries when he is sober so this, this is something.
"No," Louis responds and it's quiet with just a hint of tentativeness but the anger's what really gets through and he knows this by the way Harry's breath hitches as he tries to choke back a sob.
"You don't get to do that anymore. You don't get to call me by my nickname and try and make it sound like everything's okay when we both know it's not." A deep breath comes through.
"I-i miss you" Harry stutters and Louis almost forces himself to rip the phone away from his ear and end the call before he can hear the rest of this but he just can't.
"You left me, remember?" Louis says, his throat tightening because he remembered very well, even if Harry didn't. Harry should remember, this was his fault, all of it was his fault. He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to keep the flashback of memories from coming forth because if they do then the tears that have been threating to fall, the tears that he's yet to let win will appear and he can't do that. If Louis knows anything he knows that the second he cries then the cracks will start to show and then he will break.
"I left you, yeah," Harry manages and Louis keeps on listening although it hurts, waiting quietly for Harry to figure out what he's trying to say and when he eventually does speak it's so soft that Louis almost misses it."But I need you." And Louis can hear the need for him in his voice. It's desperate and it's broken, so broken. Louis takes a sharp intake of breath, Harry sobs and Louis finds himself having to reach out and grab hold of something to keep his knees from buckling at the sound. He wants to apologise even though it's not his apology that is needed, something completely different falls out of his mouth.
"You hurt me. You really f-fucked me up." Louis stutters and he really cannot breathe.
"I know...."Harry tries, breathing around his tears."I k-know and.... I'm so, so sorry." The phone slips away from Louis ear slightly, he almost drops it with how much his hands are shaking and he barely manages to put it on speaker before sliding down the wall, sitting on the floor. Harry continues
"If I could go back...I-"
"Stop," Louis cuts in because the world doesn't work like that, life doesn't work like that. You can't go back and change things or undo them. Harry left him and it will always be that way. The anger and betrayal burns his heart."Just stop, Harry." Louis whispers and it's defeated, completely defeated to the point where he just can't...he can't anymore.
"Don't apologise. Don't call me again. I don't...I can't..." He swallows. "I can't love someone who doesn't love me back." Louis breathes, barely holding it together. He means to end the call there but Harry's full out sobbing on the other line and each one's more broken than the last. Louis can hear the way that Harry's falling apart. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Harry the way that Harry had hurt him. Louis squeezes his eyes shut.
Harry would be curled up in a ball, the phone clutched in his hand so tightly that he'd end up breaking it if it weren't for the fact that he's barely holding on. Louis can almost see the tears running down Harry's cheeks, his eyes rimmed with red as he tries to keep himself together but fails completely.
Louis tries desperately to blink the image away but it's burned into his mind and it's there every time his eyes shut. He scrubs at his face to remove it as Harry chokes out
"But I do..." through the phone and it's broken, just like Louis is and he feels like the words are tearing apart what's left of his heart.
That's the first time Harry's has told him that and before Louis can't properly process the words, Harry sobs again before the line goes dead and Louis breaks at the sound of just how broken Harry sounded.
Chapter 15
Start from the beginning
