Harry could've come back. They could've fixed this, made it all better. He knows this and it utterly destroys him.
He doesn't realise that he's crumpled to the floor until his knee slams against the edge of the coffee table and he gasps in pain. He can feel the wetness starting to form at the corner of his eyes and Louis can't breathe anymore because now he's all alone. Louis cries, the tears slipping down his face silently at first until they turn into loud, aching sobs that make his chest ache until he's coughing and choking because he can't breathe.The blood's rushing through his ears, as he chokes, hyperventilating in an attempt to just breathe. But all he can hear is Harry's broken sobs and his even more shattered apologies repeating over and over, taunting and torturing him. Each tear feels like a relief and he just can't stop.
***
He's still in that position hours later, when someone knocks on his door. He tries to quieten his sobs and when his mum calls out a soft "Lou?" he knows he's doing an awful job. After waiting for a a few more minutes, his mum picks up the spare key from under the mat and let's herself in. Louis hides his face and desperately tries to stop his loud whimpering noises but as his mum walks in she sees him curled on the floor his whole body shaking as silent sobs wrack through his body. His mum instantly drops her bag and rushes over to her son, kneeling beside his quivering body and pushes his longish hair off of his face.
"No, baby, what happened?" She asks gently. Louis never cries and when he does it's always when he's alone and in bed late at night so his pillow can quieten the noise. Alone. Why is he alone? Wheres Harry? She hadn't seen him cry since he was a toddler and he scraped his knee. Even when his step dad left she didn't see him cry, she heard him of course the night it happened. Quiet heartbreaking sobs that he didn't want anybody to hear. This was different, he was still trying to hide his face and hold back his broken moans but he just couldn't stop. She rubs his back and kisses his head. Louis tries to speak but the moment he opens his mouth another load sob comes out and his mum shakes her head. It finally clicks, Harry's not here and Louis is hurting.
"Shhh baby, shhhh it's ok. I'm here." He says soothingly and it does nothing to calm him because she's not the person that he wants. His knee is throbbing and so is his head but he can't stop, he needs to stop but he can't. His mum tries to lift him up but he doesn't want her to see his face, doesn't want her to see him cry. She manages to get him into a sitting position and pulls him closer to her. He presses his head into her shoulder and she wraps her arms around him, rubbing soothing circles into his back and kissing the top of his head because she doesn't know what to say to him, doesn't know how to make him feel better. He eventually manages to hold back his cries and his tears begin to fall less frequently and his mum pulls him up off of the floor and onto a chair. He puts his arms on the table and lays his head on top of them whilst his mum makes what he can only guess as tea in silence. His chest jumps every now and then from the aftershocks of crying. Soon a hot mug is placed onto the table in front of him and he lifts his head and sips at his tea, hoping his eyes aren't as red as they feel. It instantly warms him but it's not quite right, not perfect like it is when Harry makes it. And then another tear is running down his face and he's still having trouble stopping his body from shaking but his mum is right there sitting bedside him and wiping his tear away with her thumb because "Lou, it's going to be ok." And Louis nods but seriously? Ok? He doesn't think he'll ever be ok again. He knows his mum is being patient, waiting for an explanation but his mind just keeps replaying Harry's "but I do..." Over and over and over again.
They sit in silence until Louis' finished his tea and he's stopped shaking finally.
"He left." He finally says and it's quiet and raw because his throat hurts and his head feels like it's splitting in two. He sniffs because he still cannot breathe and every time he does it's like something else breaks inside of him. His mum gives him a sympathetic look.
"He'll come back." She says softly and Louis sighs and shakes his head because no. No he won't.
"It's been 2 months." He croaks. His mum frowns. He looks down at his hands.
"He....he errr...called and erm......I told him that I couldn't love," he swallows "...I couldn't love somebody who didn't love me back..." He pauses, deciding if he should tell her this or not and his mum is just so confused because couldn't Louis see it? Harry had always loved him it was so blinding obvious that they loved each other. "He said that he does and then hung up. He was crying." Louis finishes not looking up from his hands. More than crying, he was sobbing his heart out.
"Of course he does." His mum says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. Trust Louis to be upset because Harry was crying, she doesn't know where he got that selfless trait because it certainly wasn't from her.
"Then why did he leave?" Louis says and he sounds so young, so vulnerable.
"Listen honey, I don't know why he left but I do know that he loves you more than anything and you love him yeah?" She stops for confirmation. Louis nods and she continues. "If I know you both then you'll work this out because I have never known anyone to be as in love as you two." She says and it just hurts a little bit more because all Louis wants is him back but Harry has to want to come back, he can't force him.
"I'm not going to go after him, he left me." Louis says, his stubbornness showing. His voice breaks on "me" and his mum sighs, her eyes holding the sadness she feels for her son.
"I don't want you to go after him, but it hurts to see you hurt." She says. Louis stands on shaky legs and reaches into a cupboard he already couldn't think straight but this killer headache is pounding. He finds some paracetamol and pops them into his mouth before filling a glass from the tap and swallowing them down.
"Come home for a bit Lou? Please? Just for a few days, clear your head, let me look after you. Spend your birthday and Christmas?" He's about to protest, doesn't want her to witness any other breakdowns he may have and certainly doesn't want to be bombarded with questions from the girls. The look his mums face tells him she's not going to accept a "no." So he nods.
"Ok, but I don't wanna talk about it." He mumbles. His mum nods in understanding and pushes him towards his bedroom.
"Go and pack then." He finds a bag and fills it with his presents for everyone, some clothes and his tooth brush, whilst in his wardrobe he stops, something catching his eye. At the back he finds a pink beanie. He grasps it, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. It shocked him that time Harry had walked into the coffee bar with it on his head, controlling his mess of curls but he had to admit it looked good on him. Louis had called him an attention seeker and they'd gone back to Louis that night. He scrubs his eyes and makes his way to the bathroom, pulling it over his tangled, much too long hair, it was a bit out there but at least his hair was presentable now. He couldn't say the same for his face. It was red and tired and his eyes were red along with his nose. He splashed some water on his face before drying it and slinging his bag over his shoulder.
Chapter 15
Start from the beginning
