Louis shakes his head. He looks at this curly haired boy who left him whilst he was sleeping. His hair is a mess and slightly too long, like his own, his usually bright green eyes are dull and lifeless, bloodshot and surrounded by dark circles, his face no longer wore that permanent smile and the hand that wasn't gripping tightly to the doorframe his was nervously clenched in a fist. He wants to be angry at him, seething with him but the sadness is like a blanket putting out the fire. However he musters up the strength and says what needs to be said.
"I loved you with everything I had and you just left! I've been a mess! I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't even hold a conversation with anyone without you slipping through my mind, I can't leave the flat because I'm worried you'll come back and I won't be here and every single thing I do reminds me of you. I would say I regret ever meeting you but how do you regret one of the best nights of your entire life? You don't. You remember every word, every look. Even when it hurts, you still remember." Louis says and Harry's broken heart throbs as even though his heart is broken he still loves Louis with all of the broken pieces. It hurts to hear about how he's hurt Louis because this is what Harry does, he hurts the people he loves so that love doesn't hurt him but knowing how much he has hurt Louis kills him. His breathing quickens and he fights to hold back the tears that threaten to fall from his eyes. He swallows around the lump in his throat as Louis continues.
"Can you just please tell me why you left me? Was it something I did?" Louis says and although he puts on a brave exterior Harry can see right through him.
"No! You gave me all of you Louis and you don't know how great full I am for that, it wasn't you, you are so much more than I deserve, so much more!" Harry says mind blown with how insecure Louis is. It always stunned him how Louis couldn't see how much of an amazing person he is.
"Then why?" Louis says in a quiet voice and his eyes are wet but he's holding himself together. What he really wants to ask is why didn't you let me see that part of your heart that is reserved when I gave you everything I had. But he sticks to just "why".
"Being in love makes you vulnerable. It gets into your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armour so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostage. It gets inside you. It eats you inside out and leaves you crying in the darkness. This is going to sound strange and weird and it doesn't justify why I left you but.....here goes..." Harry takes a deep breath and Louis looks at him in confusion. Harry never opens up.
"When I was 7, I barely spoke. Not because I was sad or shy but because I wanted to listen, work everything out. I observed everything from watching old people eat alone and pitying them, to watching young couples having fun in the water fountain at the park. I noticed something different. My mum would jerk away from my dad when he reached for her hand, Dad would answer my mum in sharp, short sentences, Dad worked late every single day, they started raising their voices at each other, calling each other names. I sat on the stairs one night, looking into the kitchen through the gaps in the bars of the banister. It turned into a screaming match. Mum shook her head at him and he did the same. They both shouted words that I didn't understand back then but knew they were awful and then after giving her one last look Dad jumped up from his chair, making it fall back and hit the floor with a loud bang, and stormed towards the front door. My mum followed him and grabbed his arm making him face her. She said "What about Harry?" and do you know what he said? "Tell him I said goodbye and that I love him."And I had begun to cry, covering my mouth as I watched my dad walk out of the house, slamming the door behind him and my mum, sink to the floor her head in her hands, crying loudly. I never saw him again after that. And so as I sat on those steps watching my mum fall apart in front of my eyes and feeling the sting at the loss of my dad I decided that Love hurt. Love didn't just hurt, it was pure agony and I didn't want anything to do with it. When I met you I fell in love Louis, I didn't know it at the time but when I realised, I realised that I had loved you since that first "hi" and I was fine with that. It terrified me but I was okay. But then that night, you were drunk and tired and you told me you loved me and I panicked because if you loved me then it meant we both loved each other and that we were in love. I was scared that it would hurt so I left, making the biggest mistake of my life because being with out you hurt me more than anything else ever would and it hurt you too. What killed me is that it was all my fault." Harry trails off as he figures out what he is going to say next.
Chapter 17
Start from the beginning
