Fallin' All In You; Shawn Mendes

Fifty-Four

"Peyton we cant force pregnancy. We will try again." Shawn told me looking a little hurt from my pull away.

"Until when? Until you hate me? Till you realize I probably won't give you a child that's all yours." I asked feeling hurt. It was unfair of me to use his own words against him I knew that.

Shawn narrowed his eyes, "Really Peyton? You're gonna pull that card?"

"Like it isn't true? Like it isn't what you wanted?" I asked turning my hurt and sadness into anger.

"If we don't have a kid of our own that is fine. I will be fine, cause that little girl is mine. I've told you since the beginning, I suggested we have another kid. I didn't give you a ultimatum, I didn't say give me a baby of my own or I'll leave. And for you to even think like that is disappointing." Shawn told me angrily.

He had every right to be upset, to yell at me. What I did was unfair, I knew how hurt and guilty he felt that night. And yet I used his words, his guilt, against him because I was upset at myself. I bit my tongue forcing myself not to say anything else, anything I will regret even more.

"I'm taking Melody trick or treating. I'll...talk to you later." Shawn said as he moved past me.

I watched as he walked to Melody's room and pick her up. He walked past me again to go to the stairs.

"Bye mama." Melody said giving me a little wave.

I forced a big smile and waved back at her. I blew a kiss to her before she disappeared from my sight. I heard him talking to her happily before I heard the door close. I walked over towards the bed and sat down. I rested my elbows on my knees and dropped my head in my hands.

That's when the sob escaped my lips. The tears started to fall uncontrollably. I didn't know why it was so hard for me to get pregnant. Why couldn't I give him one of the things he asked for? I just kept repeating those questions in my head. Along with, why did I say what I did? Why couldn't I have just let him comfort me? Why did I let him leave angry and hurt?

I stopped crying after it was all out. I felt very tired due to my crying. I got off my bed and went downstairs to clean up. To keep myself busy really, I also thought about what I was going to say to him. I knew I had to fix it because I was the one who started it. I sat down on the couch and watched Scream. Well I stared at the screen but wasn't paying any attention to the movie.

The door opened around 10 pm. Shawn walked in with a sleeping Melody in his arms. He was carefully carrying her and her bucket of candy. Shawn looked at me for a second before looking away. That hurt but I deserved it.

He shut the front door before walking to the stairs. Shawn walked up to go take Melody to bed. I decided to turn off the tv and make sure everything was locked for the night. I then went upstairs and Shawn was no longer in Melody's room but our room.

I walked in hesitantly afraid he'd yell or hate me. I was so nervous I felt like I was going to puke. I felt so guilty it weighed down on my shoulders. Shawn was getting undressed from his costume and putting on shorts. When he walked out of the closet he seen me and I could see the hurt in his eyes.

"Shawn-"

"You know what sucks? That I'm not her father. Not biologically, it will always suck. Always hurt me every time I remind myself of that. I deal with those thoughts almost daily, then I have to hear it from you. The woman I am completely in love with, her mother. The one who's told me from the beginning that she was mine." Shawn told me sounding so hurt. I could hear the pain in what he said which only fed my guilt.

He walked over to the bed and sat down. I slowly walked over trying to find the right words to say. But maybe there weren't right words, maybe I just had to tell him what I thought.

"I'm sorry, it wasn't fair for me to say what I did. Especially when I knew how hurt you were the day you told me how you felt. It wasn't fair and im sorry." I started out saying as I sat next to him.

I took a deep breath, "I just felt so upset. I was so mad at myself because you've brought me and Melody so much love and joy. You've done so much for us and I couldn't give you the one thing you were asking for. So when I said what I did it wasn't aimed at you, it was aimed at myself. I was mad and disappointed in myself." My voice wavered at the end as the knot came back.

Shawn's expression was soft, "this isn't the one thing I've asked of you Peyton. The first was allowing me to fall in love with you. The second was allowing me to be in Melody's life. The third was that you marry me. You've given me the opportunity to do all of those. Would I love to have more kids? Yes. Do I need more kids? No."

I looked away and that's when tears fell, "You have every right to hate me or be mad at me." I whispered mostly cause if I said it loud my voice would crack.

Shawn tipped my chin up so I looked at him, "I don't hate you Peyton. I don't think I could ever hate you. I'm also not mad at you, I was just hurt and when I took Melody trick or treating, I thought about it all. I'm happy where we are Peyton, and I don't want you getting this way. You will never ever be a disappointment to me. I love you."

"Why don't you ever let us fight?" I asked with a laugh.

Shawn smiled, "We did fight, but I also said I'd fight for you. So here I am fighting for you, I love you so much Peyton."

"I love you too." I told him feeling relieved and loved at the same time.

"Now look at these pictures." Shawn told me excitedly.

He grabbed his phone and showed me the pictures he took of him and Melody or her on her own. He was so happy and proud of the pictures. Like everything that happened this afternoon didn't happen. Like he didn't just tell me he didn't need to have more kids. It still made me sad but seeing him this happy, I couldn't help but feel happy as well.

I couldn't wait to marry him.

Authors Note//
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Until Next Time Peace Lovelies✌🏼💚