Tempest: The Renegade

Phase 1, part 2

I can understand him very well. I face the same situation with Isaiah. Even though we were roaming the Dead Zone together for just five years, the bond between us was strong... at least that's what I thought. Even though, at first sight, there can't be two more different people than Konstantin and I, we have surprisingly many things in common. We were both betrayed by someone we trusted. And we both lost a partner.

Sasha speaks: "So you're trying to say that hot woman who was with us just sent a message to Nightingale, something like 'The nerd with the cure is in Bifröst, commence the attack now'?"

"That's right," Konstantin replies. "I think Valentina had the attack prepared some days in advance, but she waited for the right opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. And she succeeded. Now she has both Bifröst and the serums."

"And we're completely screwed," Sasha adds.

"To some degree, it's also because of me," the old man sighs. "I suspected that Roxanna is with Nightingale since the battle in Serenity Tower, but I was too weak to admit it. I was sure it's just some misunderstanding, that the traitor is someone else. If I stood up and make a short work of her before the battle, it wouldn't have to happen. My sentimentality is responsible for this catastrophe."

"This self-depreciation gets us nowhere," I say. "What is done can't be undone. We all made mistakes, some are just more prominent than the other. And we already had our share. I guess sometimes it's better to do nothing. To do nothing means to wreck nothing."

They all look at me like I just said something horrendous, but I stand my ground on this. I'm alive only thanks to a huge coincidence and what's happening in Bifröst is no longer my business. I guess it's time for me to retire - even though I'm just eighteen in a few days. This life already caused me too much pain.

I'm looking out of the window in a large office in AVIA Tower which became my home. Valentina keeps ramming down my throat how proud should I be that our syndicate managed to seize one of the most important cities in Europe. But I don't feel even a sting of pride.

Surprisingly even to me, what I feel the most now is guilt. I have a persistent feeling that I just shouldn't be here. That I should be in a different place with different people.

Maybe it would be better for anyone if I just broke the glass and jumped down. Just a few-second flight... and everything would be at peace. I would no longer have to hurt anyone or to do anyone's bidding. The merciful peace of death is more tempting than ever before...

But for some reason, I can't.

I wouldn't be able to explain why. I'm probably too scared of death - or what will come next. I have too many unsettled accounts in this world and I'm afraid it would affect my afterlife, if there is one. This is not how I want to die. I want to go with a feeling that there's nothing more for me to do and to settle.

But will this day ever come?

With the tips of my fingers, I touch the scarred tissue on the place where my left eye used to be. It's almost like this eye closed to allow another one to open. And I think I see things more clearly now.

That's why I refused a surgery which would give me a new, fully working bionic eye. I have to deserve it first. But I doubt anyone understands me.

The huge window offers me a panoramic view of the whole city of Bifröst. Before we seized it, it was vibrant, full of life. Now, the only people who roam the streets are Valentina's thugs and the Castaways who took the bait and offered their services for a dose of anti-Flicker serum.

For a second, I wonder why are so many Castaways willing to devote their life to Valentina and her case.

Then I remember I'm also one of them.

My fight with that old man changed a lot. It made me question.

Yes, I still want to see the Dead Zone liberated, Neoclash canceled, Castaways living without the oppression of the Healthy. But is there any way to determine which price for it is adequate and when are we already overpaying? We, the servants of Nightingale, managed to create an empire. There seems to be nothing in the way between Valentina and her goal.

But I'm still far from being satisfied.

I remember a punishment for a person from mythology - even though I'm not really a book person, I've read a few. The Gods cursed him for his crimes. No matter how much he drank, he couldn't smother his thirst. No food could satisfy his hunger and no pleasure could make him happy.

That's how I feel right now. No matter what I do, no matter what success I reach, I can never be happy. My mood fluctuates from emptiness to anger with no chance to feel something positive.

I try to recall the last time I felt true, spontaneous happiness.

The answer is painfully obvious.

Of course, it was when I was roaming the Dead Zone with Zoya. When I could still count on her love and loyalty. A short calculation tells me that my happiness is directly dependant on her. That means I will never be happy again since I've hurt her so much I buried all hopes for our reconciliation.

If I could only explain her that I didn't do any of that voluntarily. I wish I could show her how messy and damaged is my mind since we got separated.

I wish I could do something to prove her I'm not completely gone. That, under the thick layer of instability and volatility, I'm still the man she got to know in the Dead Zone.

I spend long hours meditating about it. In the end, I come to the conclusion that I have to choose. Being a part of Valentina's uprising and reconciling with Zoya negate each other. So I have to decide which would make me happier - the success of Valentina's plan, or Zoya accepting me again?

The answer is yet again painfully obvious.